10:40 a.m. vomit.
i saw him last night. at the bar. he left with a girl. that's SO gross. i wanted to barf. but, ya know....it's really driving the reality in. which is still very painful, but necessary for me to break ground.
i need to stake a few declarations here:
1. he will NEVER find someone else to love him like i could have. he is the biggest fool to deny my love.
2. i am starting to realize (for myself) that i really am much better off without him. im a builder, he's a destroyer. he did a pretty good toll on me, but ill have the last say.
3. he is full of lies. to himself he lies, and to everyone that tries to love him. that's bad.
4. I WILL BE OK. im getting there. its hard. sometimes im crawling, and sometimes walking. i'll get there.
5. there seems to be this very disgusting cycle of humans getting broken from other broken humans......hurting broken people going around and breaking people that try to love them. its really gross, and vicious, and i'll have NO PART! even if i have to be alone forever. i am not going to take someone else' heart only to break it. that's not for me. no thanks.
im proud of myself for not crying last night. it was hard, but i made it. i have decided that i just can't give him ONE SINGLE TEAR more. he is NOT worth it. he is acting like a jackass, and jackass' don't get tears.
'no fucking shmucks aloud!'
good day people
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
hmmm...
8:12 a.m. i think my head is in a vice, no wait, that's just my hangover.
soo, i guess beer isn't quite the answer. but its fun trying!
i am a little shocked at my weakness here. not ashamed, just surprised. i am beginning to think that maybe something dark and powerful snuck up on me when i was vulnerable.
it shouldn't be THIS hard, right? i am really thinking that getting some help would probably be good for me. and plus, i can't afford to drink every night.
i think i need a focus here. emotional health. mental health. PHYSICAL health. those are some things to work on.
i have also been a pretty needy friend lately, so maybe doing something nice for my peeps would be good too.
soo, i guess beer isn't quite the answer. but its fun trying!
i am a little shocked at my weakness here. not ashamed, just surprised. i am beginning to think that maybe something dark and powerful snuck up on me when i was vulnerable.
it shouldn't be THIS hard, right? i am really thinking that getting some help would probably be good for me. and plus, i can't afford to drink every night.
i think i need a focus here. emotional health. mental health. PHYSICAL health. those are some things to work on.
i have also been a pretty needy friend lately, so maybe doing something nice for my peeps would be good too.
uh...
2:34 a.m.
you have no idea how hard it is to eat my tears. i am trying with all of my strength to stop these fucking tears. and i am. they are ready to burst. they just want to flow. but i can't let them. i have already given you too many. what in the fucking hell is it going to take?
i guess that my heart was set on you more than i even know. and, also, im finding it sooo impossibly hard to move onto another place.
these tears are on the brink. i am talking them back into place. yelling at them for even trying to surface and surrender to my sadness.
i really don't know what to do. i don't know how to cut this off without cutting a vital part of me off with it.
what did i do to you that made you want to quit? why did you leave me empty handed and broken?
why can't these tears find a different place?
crying myself to sleep, and waking up crying. this isn't me. where have i gone? did this kill me a little?
you can say whatever horse shit you want, but you needed me, you wanted me, and you could have had me. you are dark, and broken, and you walked away from me. i could have loved you sooooooo much love. maybe that is what you were afraid of. i guess i will never know. but as much as i am lost, and losing, so are you. i have to at least believe that. even if it's sick.
now im stuck writing my feelings to you here, because i promised you that i wouldn't write you.
drinking.....is a momentary get-a-way. but not a good idea/solution. but....any get-a-way is good, i guess.
broken people, going around and breaking other people. its soo sick.
you have no idea how hard it is to eat my tears. i am trying with all of my strength to stop these fucking tears. and i am. they are ready to burst. they just want to flow. but i can't let them. i have already given you too many. what in the fucking hell is it going to take?
i guess that my heart was set on you more than i even know. and, also, im finding it sooo impossibly hard to move onto another place.
these tears are on the brink. i am talking them back into place. yelling at them for even trying to surface and surrender to my sadness.
i really don't know what to do. i don't know how to cut this off without cutting a vital part of me off with it.
what did i do to you that made you want to quit? why did you leave me empty handed and broken?
why can't these tears find a different place?
crying myself to sleep, and waking up crying. this isn't me. where have i gone? did this kill me a little?
you can say whatever horse shit you want, but you needed me, you wanted me, and you could have had me. you are dark, and broken, and you walked away from me. i could have loved you sooooooo much love. maybe that is what you were afraid of. i guess i will never know. but as much as i am lost, and losing, so are you. i have to at least believe that. even if it's sick.
now im stuck writing my feelings to you here, because i promised you that i wouldn't write you.
drinking.....is a momentary get-a-way. but not a good idea/solution. but....any get-a-way is good, i guess.
broken people, going around and breaking other people. its soo sick.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
...
2:09 am. i.don't.know.what.to.do.
i am not ok.
i can't kid myself. any forward movement i have felt hasn't been very genuine. i am just desperate for any consolation. i have received consolation, but it just can't hold me up. im falling. i can't stop it. this is dark. im so sad. im confused about so many things. i feel alone.
to the boy:
WHAT DID I DO? what the hell happened? i really thought that you were in this with me. I AM NOT CRAZY for believing this. why can't you tell me everything?
---where did this darkness come from, and why won't it leave me? i am crying out for help, but who is hearing me? really?
this hurts. im lost. nothing is working, really.
i.don't.know.what.to.do.
i am not ok.
i can't kid myself. any forward movement i have felt hasn't been very genuine. i am just desperate for any consolation. i have received consolation, but it just can't hold me up. im falling. i can't stop it. this is dark. im so sad. im confused about so many things. i feel alone.
to the boy:
WHAT DID I DO? what the hell happened? i really thought that you were in this with me. I AM NOT CRAZY for believing this. why can't you tell me everything?
---where did this darkness come from, and why won't it leave me? i am crying out for help, but who is hearing me? really?
this hurts. im lost. nothing is working, really.
i.don't.know.what.to.do.
Monday, December 26, 2011
it still aches
4:43 am. I have already been awake for an hour. the 3 - 4 am block is usually when i wake up and become consumed by my loss.
part of me thinks about how im reacting and feels silly that i can't seem to get better.
i just want to wake up from this bad dream, and roll over back into your arms. but this isn't a bad dream. its just bad. you and your arms don't want me. but its so hard to believe.
why is it hard to believe? because i can't stop remembering all of the great moments. the moments that were so melty that i found it hard to breath-in and breath-out. i guess you never had trouble breathing, huh?
part of me really believes that you did love me, or you wanted to, but just couldn't. maybe your 'loving' parts are wounded, and didn't get fixed before we got together. i don't know. maybe i only think that because its strangely comforting.
its all just rubbish now anyway. im waiting for the garbage man to come along and take this far away from me.
i want to be ready to just move on. to actively go forward to healthier and better things. these early moments, they're dark and sneaky. I find it hard to 'snap out' when im lying in bed at 4am and no one is there to tell me to 'stop dwelling on it.'
its not so much the falling asleep part that is hard, but the waking up part that sends me backwards. i think its because the best part of spending nights with you was waking up right next to you. it was so special to wake up next to you, knowing that i cared deeply for you, and that i thought really cared for me too. when i got to wake up with you it made me feel so comforted, knowing that i'd get to spend that day knowing that i wasn't alone. that i got to share my heart with you, and that you'd receive it.
you say that you didn't 'accept' my heart. but you did. at least a little you did. don't deny it, please.
i dont know how you 'turned' this all off. but somehow you must have. obviously i have way more to 'turn' off, but you had to have had enough to hold on as long as you did. so where did you put all of your melty memories? where did you put my love? why didn't you want it? why didn't you try harder? what are you not telling me?
when will i run out of tears? boy does that sound terrible. my pathetic-ness is starting to disgust even me. but its honest. you say that you have been honest, well how about all of this for honest? this is honest with a side of raw and desperate.
i must stitch this shut. somehow. cauterization must be the only way. now how to singe it closed, i don't know.
part of me thinks about how im reacting and feels silly that i can't seem to get better.
i just want to wake up from this bad dream, and roll over back into your arms. but this isn't a bad dream. its just bad. you and your arms don't want me. but its so hard to believe.
why is it hard to believe? because i can't stop remembering all of the great moments. the moments that were so melty that i found it hard to breath-in and breath-out. i guess you never had trouble breathing, huh?
part of me really believes that you did love me, or you wanted to, but just couldn't. maybe your 'loving' parts are wounded, and didn't get fixed before we got together. i don't know. maybe i only think that because its strangely comforting.
its all just rubbish now anyway. im waiting for the garbage man to come along and take this far away from me.
i want to be ready to just move on. to actively go forward to healthier and better things. these early moments, they're dark and sneaky. I find it hard to 'snap out' when im lying in bed at 4am and no one is there to tell me to 'stop dwelling on it.'
its not so much the falling asleep part that is hard, but the waking up part that sends me backwards. i think its because the best part of spending nights with you was waking up right next to you. it was so special to wake up next to you, knowing that i cared deeply for you, and that i thought really cared for me too. when i got to wake up with you it made me feel so comforted, knowing that i'd get to spend that day knowing that i wasn't alone. that i got to share my heart with you, and that you'd receive it.
you say that you didn't 'accept' my heart. but you did. at least a little you did. don't deny it, please.
i dont know how you 'turned' this all off. but somehow you must have. obviously i have way more to 'turn' off, but you had to have had enough to hold on as long as you did. so where did you put all of your melty memories? where did you put my love? why didn't you want it? why didn't you try harder? what are you not telling me?
when will i run out of tears? boy does that sound terrible. my pathetic-ness is starting to disgust even me. but its honest. you say that you have been honest, well how about all of this for honest? this is honest with a side of raw and desperate.
i must stitch this shut. somehow. cauterization must be the only way. now how to singe it closed, i don't know.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
this program continues...
12:10 pm. just sitting here waiting for my mom to finish drying her hair so we can go to lunch. i decided today i just better DO something to help this stupid situation.
todays attempted remedy: lipstick and healed boots; and hey! i even curled my damn hair. we'll see. i'll probably throw a decent cup of coffee in there to keep it interesting.
well...wednesday, let's do this.
todays attempted remedy: lipstick and healed boots; and hey! i even curled my damn hair. we'll see. i'll probably throw a decent cup of coffee in there to keep it interesting.
well...wednesday, let's do this.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
and here i sit
10:01 am. last day of school. that is a relief. i don't know how much more i could do. a break is needed.
at this very moment, right where i am sitting; this is what i am feeling. that it would be strange to run into him, and not run up and hug him, because my heart would be delighted in his presence. like this whole thing is surreal and didn't happen. because when you love someone, its all happy right? NOT right.
this is just my present moment. i am completely aware of the reality here, it is 100% over. and with my wounded heart, i don't think i'd be able to hug him if i saw him. all i would do is melt into a sad puddle of tears and hurt.
guess what. i had only one very specific thing to say to this boy, and i put myself in the face of rejection one final time so that i could say it. i didn't say it. i couldn't. he wouldn't have wanted to take it with him anyway. this kills me.
i have ONE role in this broken world that is my most important job, EVER. to love the people of my heart with my whole self. im not saying im really good at it, just saying that i have to do it. that is how my soul works. i just NEED to love. granted, it's nice when i am loved back, but its not pivotal.
i feel as though i am suspended in a deep pain. there are hands there, trying to help me (and they are) but there isn't really anything structural around me. only hurting.
im sure this sounds strange, or cheesy, but i think i can feel my heart weeping. like there is a drip of sadness in there, and its leaking out. actually it is leaking out. my physical body is reacting in negative ways to this. i feel like shit, and i look like shit. and i still can't sleep (getting very annoyed).
even though i mostly feel that im wading in a well of hurt, i sometimes don't.
i have had moments of great resilience amidst this horse shit. this will not take me down. im not ok. someday soon hopefully i will be, but i know it's not now. i can live with that i suppose. that soon enough i will be healthier and happier than i am right now. well, healthier at least.
there is a very strange and brave beauty in pain.
so here is the outline:
--i am: sad, hurting, longing, needing, missing and still loving
--i need: sleep, closure, sleep, time and sleep
--i want: clarity, healing, sleep and rest
--i will: be ok. i may even be better
that is all for now, good day~
at this very moment, right where i am sitting; this is what i am feeling. that it would be strange to run into him, and not run up and hug him, because my heart would be delighted in his presence. like this whole thing is surreal and didn't happen. because when you love someone, its all happy right? NOT right.
this is just my present moment. i am completely aware of the reality here, it is 100% over. and with my wounded heart, i don't think i'd be able to hug him if i saw him. all i would do is melt into a sad puddle of tears and hurt.
guess what. i had only one very specific thing to say to this boy, and i put myself in the face of rejection one final time so that i could say it. i didn't say it. i couldn't. he wouldn't have wanted to take it with him anyway. this kills me.
i have ONE role in this broken world that is my most important job, EVER. to love the people of my heart with my whole self. im not saying im really good at it, just saying that i have to do it. that is how my soul works. i just NEED to love. granted, it's nice when i am loved back, but its not pivotal.
i feel as though i am suspended in a deep pain. there are hands there, trying to help me (and they are) but there isn't really anything structural around me. only hurting.
im sure this sounds strange, or cheesy, but i think i can feel my heart weeping. like there is a drip of sadness in there, and its leaking out. actually it is leaking out. my physical body is reacting in negative ways to this. i feel like shit, and i look like shit. and i still can't sleep (getting very annoyed).
even though i mostly feel that im wading in a well of hurt, i sometimes don't.
i have had moments of great resilience amidst this horse shit. this will not take me down. im not ok. someday soon hopefully i will be, but i know it's not now. i can live with that i suppose. that soon enough i will be healthier and happier than i am right now. well, healthier at least.
there is a very strange and brave beauty in pain.
so here is the outline:
--i am: sad, hurting, longing, needing, missing and still loving
--i need: sleep, closure, sleep, time and sleep
--i want: clarity, healing, sleep and rest
--i will: be ok. i may even be better
that is all for now, good day~
Thursday, December 15, 2011
...
4:25 pm. more lyrics yet...
Well you're gone, you're gone away
I'll never see the light, see the light of day
Well you're gone, you're gone for good
I'll never treat you right, treat you like I should
You know you left me empty-handed
You know you left me feeling stranded
You know I hurt so bad inside
You know it's eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
Yesterday and the day before
You came knocking, knocking at my door
Now those good old days are gone
And I just got to carry, got to carry on (yeah)
You know you left me empty-handed
You know you left me feeling stranded
You know I hurt so bad inside
You know it's eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
---"stranded" - Slackstring
Well you're gone, you're gone away
I'll never see the light, see the light of day
Well you're gone, you're gone for good
I'll never treat you right, treat you like I should
You know you left me empty-handed
You know you left me feeling stranded
You know I hurt so bad inside
You know it's eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
Yesterday and the day before
You came knocking, knocking at my door
Now those good old days are gone
And I just got to carry, got to carry on (yeah)
You know you left me empty-handed
You know you left me feeling stranded
You know I hurt so bad inside
You know it's eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
---"stranded" - Slackstring
day 12
3:31 pm. some more lyrics...
Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never do you no harm
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I beg you
Don't ever leave me alone
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly fell down and died
Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly fell down and died
Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never let you down
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never do you no harm
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I beg you
Don't ever leave me alone
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly fell down and died
Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly fell down and died
Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never let you down
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
-----i think the beatles have a song for every occasion. right now for my longing heart.
--"oh darling" - the beatles
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
day 11
10:22 pm. ive been thinking.
it is my heart, and my love. and i can give it to whom i feel is worthy, and under whatever circumstances im agreeable with. i want to give him my love. i want to be his friend. i want to fight for him. i havn't talked to him, and it's killing me. at this point, im not asking for love back. its enough for me to give it. my heart is crying because i love him, and i want him to know. there is no calendar or stopwatch attached to my heart. if i love you, then i love you. simple. it doesn't take a certain amount of time for me. it just happens. and i love him, and i can't stop it.
im certain i sound crazy to the world. that is perfectly ok with me, because im pretty sure i operate different than the world anyway. and also i don't give a shit.
if he doesn't want my love; really, fully and truly, then i will walk away. that is my declaration. that will be my mark to go my own way (along with stevie nicks). my heart will have to heal, and my soul will need liberty.
but i have to try. in spite of my hurting heart, all that matters to me is for him to know that i care about him soo much. he really is worthy, and he should know it. what he does with that is up to him.
all you have to do is take it. take my love. you don't even have to talk to me, if you don't want to. but please take my love with you, wherever you go. if you want my forgiveness, ask. i am exposed and raw. but you are worth it. know that. please.
it is my heart, and my love. and i can give it to whom i feel is worthy, and under whatever circumstances im agreeable with. i want to give him my love. i want to be his friend. i want to fight for him. i havn't talked to him, and it's killing me. at this point, im not asking for love back. its enough for me to give it. my heart is crying because i love him, and i want him to know. there is no calendar or stopwatch attached to my heart. if i love you, then i love you. simple. it doesn't take a certain amount of time for me. it just happens. and i love him, and i can't stop it.
im certain i sound crazy to the world. that is perfectly ok with me, because im pretty sure i operate different than the world anyway. and also i don't give a shit.
if he doesn't want my love; really, fully and truly, then i will walk away. that is my declaration. that will be my mark to go my own way (along with stevie nicks). my heart will have to heal, and my soul will need liberty.
but i have to try. in spite of my hurting heart, all that matters to me is for him to know that i care about him soo much. he really is worthy, and he should know it. what he does with that is up to him.
all you have to do is take it. take my love. you don't even have to talk to me, if you don't want to. but please take my love with you, wherever you go. if you want my forgiveness, ask. i am exposed and raw. but you are worth it. know that. please.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
and so on...
9:59 am. i am not ready to let go. i am not ok. i wish time would stop. i want to talk to him.
he wont talk to me. i can't give up. i wont.
there has to be a way.
he wont talk to me. i can't give up. i wont.
there has to be a way.
some lyrics
I'm gonna make a chicken gumbo
Toss some sausage in the pot
I'm gonna flavor it with okra
CAYENNE pepper to make it hot
You know life is what we make of it
So beautiful or so what
I'm gonna tell my kids a bedtime story
A play without a plot
Will it have a happy ending?
Maybe yeah, Maybe not
I tell them life is what you make of it
So beautiful or so what
So beautiful, so beautiful
So what
I'm just a raindrop in a bucket
A coin DROPPED in a slot
I am an empty house on Weed Street
Across the road from a vacant lot
You know life is what you make of it
So beautiful or so what
Aint it strange the way we're ignorant
How we seek out bad advice
How we jigger it and figure it
Mistaking value for the price
And play a game with time and Love
Like a pair of rolling dice
So beautiful, so beautiful
So what
Four men on the balcony
Overlooking the parking lot
Pointing at a figure in the distance
Dr. King has just been shot
And the sirens long melody
Singing savior pass me not
Aint it strange the way we're ignorant
How we seek out bad advice
How we jigger it and figure it
Mistaking value for the price
And play a game with time and love
Like a pair of rolling dice
So beautiful, so beautiful
So what
---Paul Simon
Toss some sausage in the pot
I'm gonna flavor it with okra
CAYENNE pepper to make it hot
You know life is what we make of it
So beautiful or so what
I'm gonna tell my kids a bedtime story
A play without a plot
Will it have a happy ending?
Maybe yeah, Maybe not
I tell them life is what you make of it
So beautiful or so what
So beautiful, so beautiful
So what
I'm just a raindrop in a bucket
A coin DROPPED in a slot
I am an empty house on Weed Street
Across the road from a vacant lot
You know life is what you make of it
So beautiful or so what
Aint it strange the way we're ignorant
How we seek out bad advice
How we jigger it and figure it
Mistaking value for the price
And play a game with time and Love
Like a pair of rolling dice
So beautiful, so beautiful
So what
Four men on the balcony
Overlooking the parking lot
Pointing at a figure in the distance
Dr. King has just been shot
And the sirens long melody
Singing savior pass me not
Aint it strange the way we're ignorant
How we seek out bad advice
How we jigger it and figure it
Mistaking value for the price
And play a game with time and love
Like a pair of rolling dice
So beautiful, so beautiful
So what
---Paul Simon
Sunday, December 11, 2011
day 8
10:36am.
this is desperate. but this is what i want.
please come rescue me from this. put your arms around me and say that we can figure this out. my aching heart is swelled with tear-covered hope that you would reconsider. let me back in, and let me love you. PLEASE.
this is desperate. but this is what i want.
please come rescue me from this. put your arms around me and say that we can figure this out. my aching heart is swelled with tear-covered hope that you would reconsider. let me back in, and let me love you. PLEASE.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
day 7
10:13 am. last night. it was fun at the beginning. but it ended bad. i revisited square one, and the pain came back.
since i can't really sleep, i figured i'd give booze a shot to help remedy this shit and to just fucking get away from myself for a bit. backfire! that was a bad idea. i cut myself off after a handful of beers, but that was plenty. i want my best friend here soo bad. she would know exactly what to do. no one else does. i need her, bad.
i feel really pathetic. like i should just be able to move on and get over it, and stop feeling sorry for myself. you know its bad when your own pity is annoying you.
this is messy, and i guess its just going to be for a while.
on my way home yesterday, i was thinking(which is ALL i can do lately) about the boy. i feel like maybe there is more to the story. maybe he is fighting something bigger than himself. maybe there are more reasons. if he is up against dark shit, why didn't he let me help? i would have. i can't make someone happy, but i would've been there to help him find his own happiness. why won't you let me be with you?
if he is hurting from bigger things, then maybe i shouldn't give up. maybe he needs me to keep fighting. then i remember how bad im hurting, and it's because of him. so maybe he needs to be all alone. that's what he set up for himself, so it must be what he wants.
i don't fight alone. and im not ashamed to admit that i need the help of my circle to win my battles.
when will i wake up and this will all be better? im not trying to sound dramatic, but i know that eventually ill just stop caring, and move on. HURRY UP!
im hoping that today can maybe go better. im sick of myself. of my own tears. of being pathetic and desperate.
yep, cheers to fucking heart ache.
since i can't really sleep, i figured i'd give booze a shot to help remedy this shit and to just fucking get away from myself for a bit. backfire! that was a bad idea. i cut myself off after a handful of beers, but that was plenty. i want my best friend here soo bad. she would know exactly what to do. no one else does. i need her, bad.
i feel really pathetic. like i should just be able to move on and get over it, and stop feeling sorry for myself. you know its bad when your own pity is annoying you.
this is messy, and i guess its just going to be for a while.
on my way home yesterday, i was thinking(which is ALL i can do lately) about the boy. i feel like maybe there is more to the story. maybe he is fighting something bigger than himself. maybe there are more reasons. if he is up against dark shit, why didn't he let me help? i would have. i can't make someone happy, but i would've been there to help him find his own happiness. why won't you let me be with you?
if he is hurting from bigger things, then maybe i shouldn't give up. maybe he needs me to keep fighting. then i remember how bad im hurting, and it's because of him. so maybe he needs to be all alone. that's what he set up for himself, so it must be what he wants.
i don't fight alone. and im not ashamed to admit that i need the help of my circle to win my battles.
when will i wake up and this will all be better? im not trying to sound dramatic, but i know that eventually ill just stop caring, and move on. HURRY UP!
im hoping that today can maybe go better. im sick of myself. of my own tears. of being pathetic and desperate.
yep, cheers to fucking heart ache.
Friday, December 9, 2011
day 6:
11:19 am. today is a step-backwards. i feel 'icky' again. just a little disgusted about the whole thing. no appetite, not enough rest. uhhhg.
i bet he hasn't even thought at all about how hard i tried to keep our relationship lifted. i haven't unpacked my fricken toothbrush since august. i have been willing to travel and work hard for this, because I AM A FIGHTER. he is not.
my mom was consoling me and telling me nice things, and she said that maybe he would change his mind, and come back. i said, mom, no! he won't because he isn't a fighter. i guess i can't be tied to a passive person. but, i thought that maybe if i fought hard enough, it'd be enough. and that after a while it would balance out. it didn't.
im not dumb here. i know it wasn't a perfect deal. but i recognize potential and know if something is good or bad. it was good. we're young, and are trying to figure this damn life out. i know that in any relationship it takes a while before you find your groove with things. but his groove went a very different direction than mine, apparently.
right now, i kind of wish that wherever he is, and whatever he is doing, that he just feels terrible. that is evil of me, but that is raw honesty. i want him to feel bad and to hurt like i am. grieve at least a little over me.....actually grieve a lot. cry even. write a bitchin song or something. maybe punch a wall because he is angry that he let himself hurt me......or just carry on like it was no big deal (that is my guess at his status). just shrug it off. no problem that he made a promise to me and broke it, that he didn't come to see me, that he barely made time for me, that he broke my fragile heart. why did i trust you? jerk!
weak people give up, strong people don't. it's a choice, not a destiny.
well, on those happy notes i think i will gear up for my drive home.
blaire
i bet he hasn't even thought at all about how hard i tried to keep our relationship lifted. i haven't unpacked my fricken toothbrush since august. i have been willing to travel and work hard for this, because I AM A FIGHTER. he is not.
my mom was consoling me and telling me nice things, and she said that maybe he would change his mind, and come back. i said, mom, no! he won't because he isn't a fighter. i guess i can't be tied to a passive person. but, i thought that maybe if i fought hard enough, it'd be enough. and that after a while it would balance out. it didn't.
im not dumb here. i know it wasn't a perfect deal. but i recognize potential and know if something is good or bad. it was good. we're young, and are trying to figure this damn life out. i know that in any relationship it takes a while before you find your groove with things. but his groove went a very different direction than mine, apparently.
right now, i kind of wish that wherever he is, and whatever he is doing, that he just feels terrible. that is evil of me, but that is raw honesty. i want him to feel bad and to hurt like i am. grieve at least a little over me.....actually grieve a lot. cry even. write a bitchin song or something. maybe punch a wall because he is angry that he let himself hurt me......or just carry on like it was no big deal (that is my guess at his status). just shrug it off. no problem that he made a promise to me and broke it, that he didn't come to see me, that he barely made time for me, that he broke my fragile heart. why did i trust you? jerk!
weak people give up, strong people don't. it's a choice, not a destiny.
well, on those happy notes i think i will gear up for my drive home.
blaire
Thursday, December 8, 2011
...
11:09 pm. another long day. it wasn't a bad day really, just long. im tired, i better sleep well again.
i am ready to return home again. tomorrow will be good.
its weird to me that i find this blogging crap so helpful. maybe its my way of still sharing with him, even though this isn't to/for him. i guess im just used to sharing my day's adventures with him. right about now we'd have been chatting about our days and sharing our stories. one week ago from right now was the last time that we talked as boyfriend/girlfriend. the end came fast. it is ALL over now. i need to just fuckin digest that shit. but its hard, ok?
i just wonder if he is even sad. "ARE YOU SAD?" that you will never wake up with me again? we wont share morning coffee or a late night beer. there won't be stargazing or camping in your yard. there wont be any kisses on the forehead or laughs or hugs. i bet you're sad....well, i FUCKIN hope you're sad.
you really got me good. i had no idea. ya jackass!
hey, maybe the 'anger' stage is setting in. there's something to wake up for.
i think this sleeping pill is kicking in, or maybe that's the wine..either way,
goodnight world.
i am ready to return home again. tomorrow will be good.
its weird to me that i find this blogging crap so helpful. maybe its my way of still sharing with him, even though this isn't to/for him. i guess im just used to sharing my day's adventures with him. right about now we'd have been chatting about our days and sharing our stories. one week ago from right now was the last time that we talked as boyfriend/girlfriend. the end came fast. it is ALL over now. i need to just fuckin digest that shit. but its hard, ok?
i just wonder if he is even sad. "ARE YOU SAD?" that you will never wake up with me again? we wont share morning coffee or a late night beer. there won't be stargazing or camping in your yard. there wont be any kisses on the forehead or laughs or hugs. i bet you're sad....well, i FUCKIN hope you're sad.
you really got me good. i had no idea. ya jackass!
hey, maybe the 'anger' stage is setting in. there's something to wake up for.
i think this sleeping pill is kicking in, or maybe that's the wine..either way,
goodnight world.
day 5
9:55 am ----JUST WOKE UP!
This is going to be a good day. I am so glad that i got some damn sleep. finally. my body is grateful, and my mind is rested.
break-ups are a very strange thing. It sure keeps my day interesting. I mean now when i wake up, i think about what i can do to fight for a good day. Im in a therapeutic/recovery mode. I am constantly reflecting on things, and trying so hard not to think about the boy.
i still feel like a mess though. and im cool with that for a while. im a very honest person, and im not here to put on a show. so, excuse me world, im going to be sad for a while.
i don't know why, but i feel like clarifying why im sad. so many great people have comforted me through this, which i am soo thankful for. however, sometimes their piece of encouragement includes 'don't worry, you will find the right one someday.' I agree, I WILL. but i am not sad because im afraid of being alone, or that i no longer have the security of being in a relationship. I am fucking sad because the one single person that i want to be with and share my heart with, doesnt want to have it. that hurts. its simple, and clear to me that i must go on, but it really hurts.
to the boy:
i thought about sending you a message last night. i just wanted to see how you're doing. i need to stop that. as selfish as you are being, i need to follow your lead. I need to worry about myself, not you. stop being in my mind, please. i really do hope you are doing ok, but your well-being is no longer my responsibility. you cancelled that subscription.
ok kids, i have to go get this day before it gets me,
blaire
This is going to be a good day. I am so glad that i got some damn sleep. finally. my body is grateful, and my mind is rested.
break-ups are a very strange thing. It sure keeps my day interesting. I mean now when i wake up, i think about what i can do to fight for a good day. Im in a therapeutic/recovery mode. I am constantly reflecting on things, and trying so hard not to think about the boy.
i still feel like a mess though. and im cool with that for a while. im a very honest person, and im not here to put on a show. so, excuse me world, im going to be sad for a while.
i don't know why, but i feel like clarifying why im sad. so many great people have comforted me through this, which i am soo thankful for. however, sometimes their piece of encouragement includes 'don't worry, you will find the right one someday.' I agree, I WILL. but i am not sad because im afraid of being alone, or that i no longer have the security of being in a relationship. I am fucking sad because the one single person that i want to be with and share my heart with, doesnt want to have it. that hurts. its simple, and clear to me that i must go on, but it really hurts.
to the boy:
i thought about sending you a message last night. i just wanted to see how you're doing. i need to stop that. as selfish as you are being, i need to follow your lead. I need to worry about myself, not you. stop being in my mind, please. i really do hope you are doing ok, but your well-being is no longer my responsibility. you cancelled that subscription.
ok kids, i have to go get this day before it gets me,
blaire
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
day 4: Con't.
11:57 pm. This has been a long day. I never thought i would say that a busy and exhausting day would be good for me. Today was good for me. I made it. I am also really fricken tired, hah.
I am still battling my severed companionship, but I am feeling better and better the more the time passes. I'm no idiot, I'm sure I'll have hard moments ahead, but I'll be good for now.
The sleep has to get better though. I NEEEEEEED to sleep. I HAVE to sleep. I also took a sleeping pill (i rarely take medication) because I am desperate for some rest. My body and mind and soul need to be eased for a bit. That is my only choice. That, or I will call in Jamie girl for a sleepover tomorrow night.
I will be back tomorrow. This world-informing journal is surprisingly helpful to me. I feel better after i write.
Goodnight
I am still battling my severed companionship, but I am feeling better and better the more the time passes. I'm no idiot, I'm sure I'll have hard moments ahead, but I'll be good for now.
The sleep has to get better though. I NEEEEEEED to sleep. I HAVE to sleep. I also took a sleeping pill (i rarely take medication) because I am desperate for some rest. My body and mind and soul need to be eased for a bit. That is my only choice. That, or I will call in Jamie girl for a sleepover tomorrow night.
I will be back tomorrow. This world-informing journal is surprisingly helpful to me. I feel better after i write.
Goodnight
day 4
day 4: why am i awake right now?
I've been in and out of sleeping since 2:30 am. its now nearing 5 am. I am so tired, i just need to sleep. I have a very aggressive day ahead of me, and sleep would be a great thing to do right now. 'What ever' i suppose. I am not just lying here feeling sorry for myself though; I am feeling sorry for myself AND everyone else that is broken right now.
last night was pretty good. a great friend made me a meal, and made me eat it. It was nice to just relax.
I still feel very lifted from my great circle of love. Thank you everyone for the hugs, and phone calls, and messages, and everything. thank you.
most of me really is starting to feel better. the sleeping and eating scenario could use some improvement. time will heal. but i hope it wont take long, because i am one sleepy bitch.
to the boy:
I miss you. I wish you were here comforting me and making me better. but the reality is that you are what is making me sad, and causing the hurt. why did you stop wanting me? i tried so hard, and gave you so much of me. you ate up my sunshine, and then excused me from your life. asshole. but i still miss you.
i guess this day is going to happen with me or without me, so i better just do it,
stay classy ya'll
I've been in and out of sleeping since 2:30 am. its now nearing 5 am. I am so tired, i just need to sleep. I have a very aggressive day ahead of me, and sleep would be a great thing to do right now. 'What ever' i suppose. I am not just lying here feeling sorry for myself though; I am feeling sorry for myself AND everyone else that is broken right now.
last night was pretty good. a great friend made me a meal, and made me eat it. It was nice to just relax.
I still feel very lifted from my great circle of love. Thank you everyone for the hugs, and phone calls, and messages, and everything. thank you.
most of me really is starting to feel better. the sleeping and eating scenario could use some improvement. time will heal. but i hope it wont take long, because i am one sleepy bitch.
to the boy:
I miss you. I wish you were here comforting me and making me better. but the reality is that you are what is making me sad, and causing the hurt. why did you stop wanting me? i tried so hard, and gave you so much of me. you ate up my sunshine, and then excused me from your life. asshole. but i still miss you.
i guess this day is going to happen with me or without me, so i better just do it,
stay classy ya'll
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
blind-sided
sometimes the universe can be cruel, or maybe its just the people in it. either way, here i am, pathetic, desperate and listening to sarah mclachlan. WHAT THE FUCK?
I will just say it. I am heart-broken, sad and hurting. a few days ago i was very sure of something(rather someone) that no longer wants to call me theirs. It came as a shock so big i fell completely apart. It just kills me to know that people can cause me so much hurt. It's not fair. I am sad that he would choose to be without me. I want to be with him, but this has been decided for me, and I must accept it. I have no choice. It hurts in my guts, and i can't even sleep to get away from it.
I am left with the broken promise to 'treat me so good', and some cd's that i am keeping as a parting gift.
So....in my deepest heart of hearts, i am crushed and bruised. Strangely, i am also overwhelmingly spirited because of the amazing support i have in my life. I had to make a retreat to home base yesterday, I just couldn't do it alone. I needed my family and friends. They came to the rescue so heroically. My papa and his shoulder were waiting for me as soon as i walked in. My mom had all of the right things to say, and my friends made me laugh which took me to a happier place. My heart is aching, my eyes are swollen, my body is exhausted, but my spirit will just not give up. Thank you to my circle of love, for loving me back. It means sooo much. I feel like with them, i can make it through anything. I love you all!
To the universe, and the boy that doesn't love me back:
---this is a mistake, you are walking away from something so great. I have SOOOOOOOO much fuckin love to give, you are foolish to deny it. I trusted you with my heart, and you dropped it. I hear your reasons, and I wish you the best. I really do.
These last few days may be marked on the heartbreak calendar, but i won't let too many get away from me. I will be ok. I will be alright.
Sad for now, but alright.
goodnight~
I will just say it. I am heart-broken, sad and hurting. a few days ago i was very sure of something(rather someone) that no longer wants to call me theirs. It came as a shock so big i fell completely apart. It just kills me to know that people can cause me so much hurt. It's not fair. I am sad that he would choose to be without me. I want to be with him, but this has been decided for me, and I must accept it. I have no choice. It hurts in my guts, and i can't even sleep to get away from it.
I am left with the broken promise to 'treat me so good', and some cd's that i am keeping as a parting gift.
So....in my deepest heart of hearts, i am crushed and bruised. Strangely, i am also overwhelmingly spirited because of the amazing support i have in my life. I had to make a retreat to home base yesterday, I just couldn't do it alone. I needed my family and friends. They came to the rescue so heroically. My papa and his shoulder were waiting for me as soon as i walked in. My mom had all of the right things to say, and my friends made me laugh which took me to a happier place. My heart is aching, my eyes are swollen, my body is exhausted, but my spirit will just not give up. Thank you to my circle of love, for loving me back. It means sooo much. I feel like with them, i can make it through anything. I love you all!
To the universe, and the boy that doesn't love me back:
---this is a mistake, you are walking away from something so great. I have SOOOOOOOO much fuckin love to give, you are foolish to deny it. I trusted you with my heart, and you dropped it. I hear your reasons, and I wish you the best. I really do.
These last few days may be marked on the heartbreak calendar, but i won't let too many get away from me. I will be ok. I will be alright.
Sad for now, but alright.
goodnight~
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