it still aches

4:43 am.  I have already been awake for an hour.  the 3 - 4 am block is usually when i wake up and become consumed by my loss.

part of me thinks about how im reacting and feels silly that i can't seem to get better.

i just want to wake up from this bad dream, and roll over back into your arms.  but this isn't a bad dream.  its just bad.  you and your arms don't want me.  but its so hard to believe.

why is it hard to believe?  because i can't stop remembering all of the great moments.  the moments that were so melty that i found it hard to breath-in and breath-out.  i guess you never had trouble breathing, huh?

part of me really believes that you did love me, or you wanted to, but just couldn't.  maybe your 'loving' parts are wounded, and didn't get fixed before we got together.  i don't know.  maybe i only think that because its strangely comforting.

its all just rubbish now anyway.  im waiting for the garbage man to come along and take this far away from me.

i want to be ready to just move on.  to actively go forward to healthier and better things.  these early moments, they're dark and sneaky.  I find it hard to 'snap out' when im lying in bed at 4am and no one is there to tell me to 'stop dwelling on it.'

its not so much the falling asleep part that is hard, but the waking up part that sends me backwards.  i think its because the best part of spending nights with you was waking up right next to you.  it was so special to wake up next to you, knowing that i cared deeply for you, and that i thought really cared for me too.  when i got to wake up with you it made me feel so comforted, knowing that i'd get to spend that day knowing that i wasn't alone.  that i got to share my heart with you, and that you'd receive it.

you say that you didn't 'accept' my heart.  but you did.  at least a little you did.  don't deny it, please.

i dont know how you 'turned' this all off.  but somehow you must have.  obviously i have way more to 'turn' off, but you had to have had enough to hold on as long as you did.  so where did you put all of your melty memories?  where did you put my love?  why didn't you want it?  why didn't you try harder?  what are you not telling me?

when will i run out of tears? boy does that sound terrible.  my pathetic-ness is starting to disgust even me.  but its honest.  you say that you have been honest, well how about all of this for honest?  this is honest with a side of raw and desperate.

i must stitch this shut.  somehow.  cauterization must be the only way.  now how to singe it closed, i don't know.