day 7

10:13 am.  last night.  it was fun at the beginning.  but it ended bad.  i revisited square one, and the pain came back.

since i can't really sleep, i figured i'd give booze a shot to help remedy this shit and to just fucking get away from myself for a bit.  backfire!  that was a bad idea.  i cut myself off after a handful of beers, but that was plenty.  i want my best friend here soo bad.  she would know exactly what to do.  no one else does.  i need her, bad.    

i feel really pathetic.  like i should just be able to move on and get over it, and stop feeling sorry for myself.  you know its bad when your own pity is annoying you.

this is messy, and i guess its just going to be for a while.

on my way home yesterday, i was thinking(which is ALL i can do lately) about the boy.  i feel like maybe there is more to the story.  maybe he is fighting something bigger than himself.  maybe there are more reasons.  if he is up against dark shit, why didn't he let me help?  i would have.  i can't make someone happy, but i would've been there to help him find his own happiness.  why won't you let me be with you?

if he is hurting from bigger things, then maybe i shouldn't give up.  maybe he needs me to keep fighting.  then i remember how bad im hurting, and it's because of him.  so maybe he needs to be all alone.  that's what he set up for himself, so it must be what he wants.

i don't fight alone.  and im not ashamed to admit that i need the help of my circle to win my battles.

when will i wake up and this will all be better?  im not trying to sound dramatic, but i know that eventually ill just stop caring, and move on.  HURRY UP!

im hoping that today can maybe go better.  im sick of myself. of my own tears.  of being pathetic and desperate.

yep, cheers to fucking heart ache.