and here i sit

10:01 am.  last day of school.  that is a relief.  i don't know how much more i could do.  a break is needed.

at this very moment, right where i am sitting; this is what i am feeling.  that it would be strange to run into him, and not run up and hug him, because my heart would be delighted in his presence.  like this whole thing is surreal and didn't happen.  because when you love someone, its all happy right?  NOT right.

this is just my present moment.  i am completely aware of the reality here, it is 100% over.  and with my wounded heart, i don't think i'd be able to hug him if i saw him.  all i would do is melt into a sad puddle of tears and hurt.

guess what.  i had only one very specific thing to say to this boy, and i put myself in the face of rejection one final time so that i could say it.  i didn't say it.  i couldn't.  he wouldn't have wanted to take it with him anyway.  this kills me.

 i have ONE role in this broken world that is my most important job, EVER.  to love the people of my heart with my whole self.  im not saying im really good at it, just saying that i have to do it.  that is how my soul works.  i just NEED to love.  granted, it's nice when i am loved back, but its not pivotal.

i feel as though i am suspended in a deep pain.  there are hands there, trying to help me (and they are) but there isn't really anything structural around me. only hurting.

im sure this sounds strange, or cheesy, but i think i can feel my heart weeping.  like there is a drip of sadness in there, and its leaking out.  actually it is leaking out.  my physical body is reacting in negative ways to this.  i feel like shit, and i look like shit.  and i still can't sleep (getting very annoyed).

even though i mostly feel that im wading in a well of hurt, i sometimes don't.

i have had moments of great resilience amidst this horse shit.  this will not take me down.  im not ok.  someday soon hopefully i will be, but i know it's not now.  i can live with that i suppose.  that soon enough i will be healthier and happier than i am right now.  well, healthier at least.

there is a very strange and brave beauty in pain.

so here is the outline:

--i am: sad, hurting, longing, needing, missing and still loving
--i need: sleep, closure, sleep, time and sleep
--i want: clarity, healing, sleep and rest
--i will: be ok.   i may even be better

that is all for now, good day~