2:09 a.m. actually woke from sleeping and cried. hmmm. this heart of mine. i wonder what is going on in there....or maybe i don't, because the truth could be more awful than the mystery.
i am haunted by sadness.
so a while ago, in my lowest of lows, a darkness unwelcomely crashed my normal happy self. this darkness shit is some scary stuff. Im laying here wondering what is wrong with me. why do i keep thinking all of this bad stuff?
darkness, you are a sneaky bastard, and i hate you. its like sitting around waiting for me to feel weak about myself, and then STRIKE, there goes the sadness bomb. I don't know exactly when i stopped loving myself, but i think it happened. I sure wish i could figure out how i became this lonely mess of a self-hating human. I can tell you now, this is a slippery slope to climb, and its suffocating.
physically, its hard to breath sometimes because i am so sad. and then i feel pathetic for being so sad. so goes the cycle.
for the most part i thought i was doing much better. but this shit has been creeping up on me lately, and i wonder if any of the emotional progress was fictional or actual. Its just really hard. ok? Its hard for me to be honest with myself too. because if i admit this to myself, then it is in fact a real problem. And at this point, i don't know how to fight this problem. It just keeps striking, and i feel defenseless. my usual weaponry seems ineffective. I guess the biggest thing that helps is thinking about all of the people that i know that love me, even if i can't really love myself right now. this stuff is just so heavy, and its the darkest road ive ever been down before. im not sure what to do exactly.
what is going to happen if it keeps getting harder to breath? I just really need a rainbow right now. i need to find a way to get out of this desolate shit-hole of a 'place.' I don't like it here.
God, please help me. my heart is weeping for help. i cant do this alone. just take my hand and lead me please, because this darkness is so consuming. i dont know what i need to do to make things right between us, but please don't leave me here. i cant do it alone. right now is a scary place. hopefully tomorrow is better. i need an angel i think. to hold my hand. for every moment, of every day. forever. so this darkness will back down. please send an angel, i don't want to be alone anymore.
darkness, i fucking hate you. quit swallowing me alive. just go away, you are not welcome in my life, in my heart, or in my body. i will overcome you. i have no choice.
