ooofta

5:59 p.m.  idiot, yes.  but trying, also yes.

I feel like i should put a 'FREE!' sign on my heart.  i seem to give it that way.  which..actually, i love about myself.  but....it makes it so damn hard sometimes.  like, what the hell am i doing chasing something again?  i guess i am just so ready to share myself with someone.  i just need to find the right person that wants to actually have me.

i am not worried or scared that i wont.  i am just excited, that each time i might have finally found a really good one.  not to say that my finds haven't been good.  just not right i guess. or just not the right time.

i need some damn brakes for my stinkin heart.  like...whoa blaire, EASY! haha.  at least i can laugh at myself.  and....i am still hopeful!  i just need to be PATIENT.  thats a funny idea.

i do have warm feelings about the latest 'smile maker;' but i really gotta get my head outta my ass and make some good decisions for ME, and MY heart.  even though it'd be easier to just snuggle and not think about all of this horseshit.  but.....its not horseshit, and i need to be a big girl.

woof.

cheers people, to making mistakes...and dustin ourselves off.

love you!

10:41 p.m.  i am an idiot.

i am a love drunk idiot.  i should be committed, hah.  why do i get myself into these situations?  its like the same as buying a ticket for the heartbreak train.  what the hell am i doing?

i am an idiot.  other people are idiots too.  that is fact.  but nonetheless, i am an idiot.  what am i doing?  i don't know.  i was just chasing a smile, because its nice to smile.  but im worth more than a fucking smile.  except...that i fall easily...because im an idiot.

thats all.

some beach boys for ya'll

I, I love the colorful clothes she wears
And the way the sunlight plays upon her hair
I hear the sound of a gentle word
On the wind that lifts her perfume through the air

I'm pickin' up good vibrations
She's giving me excitations
I'm pickin' up good vibrations
(Oom bop, bop, good vibrations)
She's giving me excitations
(Oom bop, bop, excitations)
Good good good good vibrations
(Oom bop, bop)
She's giving me excitations
(Oom bop, bop, excitations)
Good good good good vibrations
(Oom bop, bop)
She's giving me excitations
(Oom bop, bop, excitations)

Close my eyes
She's somehow closer now
Softly smile, I know she must be kind
When I look in her eyes
She goes with me to a blossom world

I'm pickin' up good vibrations
She's giving me excitations
I'm pickin' up good vibrations
(Oom bop, bop, good vibrations)
She's giving me excitations
(Oom bop, bop, excitations)
Good good good good vibrations
(Oom bop, bop)
She's giving me excitations
(Oom bop, bop, excitations)
Good good good good vibrations
(Oom bop, bop)
She's giving me excitations
(Oom bop, bop, excitations)

(Ahhhhhhh)
(Ah my my what elation)
I don't know where but she sends me there
(Ah my, my, what a sensation)
(Ah my, my, what elations)
(Ah my, my, what)

Gotta keep those lovin' good vibrations
A happenin' with her
Gotta keep those lovin' good vibrations
A happenin' with her
Gotta keep those lovin' good vibrations
A happenin'

Ahhhhhhhh
Good good good good vibrations
(Oom bop, bop, I'm pickin' up good vibrations)
She's giving me excitations
(Oom bop, bop, excitations)
Good good good good vibrations
(Oom bop, bop)
She's na, na ...

Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na
Do, do, do, do, do,
Do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do,
Do, do, do

beer flavored meat!

10:51 a.m.  Dinner Party!!!

I love to entertain, so today is surely a happy day.  I love planning out the meal, carefully considering the things that my guests like, and customizing a menu based on what I think they will love.  It makes me happy when people like my food and hospitality.  what can i say, i throw a mean dinner party.

tonights menu:

--pulled pork sammies, with red cabbage slaw and homemade bbq sauce (the sauce is from a friend)
--potato salad that will kick your grandma's potato salad's ass
--taco pasta salad (this ones really more of a wild card and a good use to things i already had)

I have been on a semi-strict vegetarian diet for about 5 months now, but tonight i am eating pork. yeah baby!

While preparing the roasts this morning, I had an epiphany.  I was thinkin that boys really like a good meal.  boys really like meat thats cooked well.  boys also like beer.  im figuring that a sure fire way to a boys heart is well cooked meat, that was marinated in beer.  beer flavored meat.  I'll give it a whirl.  I didn't have the intentions of swooning when i started cooking this morning, but we'll see, haha.

i have other juice to spill, but i can't say too much.  just that, my heart has ascended to a new place.  im trying to be careful....cause i can't go board'n the heartbreak train again.  I guess i will just take it easy, and trust my guts.....and see how it goes.

later folks!

at last

2:32 a.m.  I can breath.

this is the most tranquil feeling.  to be able to BREATH.  i don't even have to remind myself to breath.  it is happening all on its own.  it makes me cry out of happiness to proclaim this.

to know where my heart has been not very long ago, and to see where i am now.  it is remarkable.  what happened hurt me like being stabbed.  it robbed me of so much.

but....ladies and gentleman.....im coming back.  i don't even know where to begin.  probably by saying thanks to all of my good people.  THANK YOU!

i have experienced a darkness that I didn't ever imagine experiencing.  maybe that sounds silly.  but its the truth.  aaaaand......after swinging to the lowest i have been...im on the upswing...and it is SUCH a relief.

my heart is so grateful to be working towards a healthy life again.  I CAN FUCKING BREATH.  the sound that may accompany my feeling about this is probably angelic.  i honestly didn't know if i would breath involuntarily again.  that sounds completely irrational, but i hit some VERY dark lows.  and to see light again...it means so much.

i will say this...i never stopped believing in myself.  but a lot of that is probably because a lot of you kept believing in me too.  thank you.

Cheers to always believing in each other, even when it's crazy,

blaire brittany

Here comes the sun (doo doo doo doo)
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right
It's all right





--The Beatle's 'here comes the sun'

my best year yet...

9:33 a.m.  I'm ready for this.

25, this could be my best year yet!  I feel like if things could be good or bad, i choose good.  or, even better than good.

my life philosophy has been amended, and I am here to make the most of it.  My heart needs it.

This is my advanced forward to the twenty-fifth year of my life:

'Thank you for being my best year yet!  Thank you for the new experiences and people.  Thank you for getting me past my twenty-fourth year, it wasn't easy.  Thank you for the new colors and sights and loves and cries even.  Thank you for the growth and change.  Thank you for the challenges and successes.  Thank you for the rain and the stars.  Thank you for the voices and sounds.  Thank you for the sunshine and happiness.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!'     --- Sincerely, Blaire Brittany

ok, here i come!

9:02 a.m.  im feelin much better.

i can barely find words to express what a relief it is to have risen above that dark grip that was around me for a while.  it was suffocating, and it polluted my everything.  but, that is behind me now.  except for the sleeping, that could stand for improvement.  nonetheless, i am better.  maybe even someday ill be better for it.  who knows.

but, 'fun' surely has been a good antidote to the weariness.  I just feel like having a good time, all of the time.  and why not?  so, bring on the fun, and bring on the fun!

thank you to all of my lovely people, i love you.  thank you to anyone who has helped me get outta the fucking danger zone.  and especially thank you to anyone who had bought me a beer, cheers!

till next time,

love and peace

and booze