1:02am. shit, been a while. So i just read through some old posts. i started from the most recent and read backwards into time. I almost don't even know what to say. It was actually quite hard to read. and I had to skim through some of it. Its good to glance back at things, but maybe not with a magnifying glass.
I will say tho, for a bit i tried to just read it like it was the journal of a young lady that wasn't neccessarily me(that made it easier to read w/o choking up). In that case, id say that is a very brave girl for being soooo disgustingly raw and honest. If i were an objective, unrelated person to her, id say: "keep writing. forever, through it all."
I wont get all mushy here. Just think its a good time to capture a little update. I am pleased and proud to announce that life above the dark underground is a place i like to be, and which i am. Hard to think about the depths emotionally that i've pitted. And honestly not even that long ago(but it feels like lightyears) some people say "its the shit you go through that makes you stronger." Sort of. My version is kinda like: "Its how you CHOOSE to handle the shit you go through that makes you stronger." But, each day is an opportunity to learn. I have a LOT to learn. i hope i never stop. ever.
I havent had a sadness spell in a long time. However a lingering 'symptom' from the gray past is trouble sleeping. I feel like i have permanent bags under my eyes. but i just try and rock it, because its honest and how do you even cover that shit up anyway? I dont have the worst sleeping status in the world, but it could definitely be better. I don't stay up because im sad, i just have trouble sleeping, on a regular basis. I try not to let it frustrate me, because who wants to start a day grumpy? Sometimes thats not so easy. I usually just try to embrace some quiet time and keep calm and meditate on good things.
Happiness and good days are a choice. I mean you can totally buy a lottery ticket everyday and not choose and just wait and see what the day/world brings ya, but in that case id be a chronically unpleasant person. So, instead, i try and grab the good things that are available to me and also (very important part here) I try hard to put goodness out there. not even just so that more of it comes back directly to me....but because i feel its the right thing to do. disclaimer, i am human. i fail at this. I have shitty days. i have moments i like to call "soul-crushers." I say (outloud usually), "fuck you stupid moment!" I then probably participate in some form of an indulgent vice and move on.
Its age-old proverb to count your blessings. thats some sound-ass advice. I have sooo many blessings. My beautiful loves. You know who you are. I am one of the luckiest ladies in the world to have such warm people whom shower me with friendship and love and laughter. also, i am addicted to my mommy. I lucked out, to put it mildly.
I recently tried to make a go at a relationship. The usual bandits of poor timing/circumstances always burglar their way in. i guess. or maybe that is an excuse i tell myself so i don't feel rejected and gross. eitherway, cheers. part of maturity is focusing on how you can improve the way you handle situations. another part is giving less fucks. balance is key. I am trying to be mature here. Just admit that if its not a good fit, then gracefully agree, and float on man. send people on their way with more sunshine than they had when they met me. as long as they dont just use it up and leave me stranded. Another part of figuring my shit out is learning how to restrict access to my sunshine a little. not an easy move for this kid. i mean god gave me the biggest face in the world, so i like to smile with it. but, i can smile from behind a little safety fence. sometimes people need to earn the access code. cant just give it all away for free.
ok, im just rambling now. pretty pooped from a long ass day. gonna try and get some shut-eye. yes, im 84, haha.
gooodnight peeps and homies. sweet dreams & sun beams!
B
