day 6:

11:19 am.  today is a step-backwards.  i feel 'icky' again.  just a little disgusted about the whole thing.  no appetite, not enough rest.  uhhhg.

i bet he hasn't even thought at all about how hard i tried to keep our relationship lifted.  i haven't unpacked my fricken toothbrush since august.  i have been willing to travel and work hard for this, because I AM A FIGHTER.  he is not.

my mom was consoling me and telling me nice things, and she said that maybe he would change his mind, and come back.  i said, mom, no! he won't because he isn't a fighter.  i guess i can't be tied to a passive person.  but, i thought that maybe if i fought hard enough, it'd be enough.  and that after a while it would balance out.  it didn't.

im not dumb here.  i know it wasn't a perfect deal.  but i recognize potential and know if something is good or bad.  it was good.  we're young, and are trying to figure this damn life out.  i know that in any relationship it takes a while before you find your groove with things.  but his groove went a very different direction than mine, apparently.

right now, i kind of wish that wherever he is, and whatever he is doing, that he just feels terrible.  that is evil of me, but that is raw honesty.  i want him to feel bad and to hurt like i am.  grieve at least a little over me.....actually grieve a lot.  cry even.  write a bitchin song or something.  maybe punch a wall because he is angry that he let himself hurt me......or just carry on like it was no big deal (that is my guess at his status).  just shrug it off.  no problem that he made a promise to me and broke it, that he didn't come to see me, that he barely made time for me, that he broke my fragile heart.  why did i trust you?  jerk!

weak people give up, strong people don't.  it's a choice, not a destiny.

well, on those happy notes i think i will gear up for my drive home.



blaire