'Change' --Blind Melon...this is a good one folks
I don't feel the sun's comin' out today
It's staying in, it's gonna find another way.
As I sit here in this misery,
I don't think I'll ever, no lord, see the sun from here.
And oh as I fade away,
They'll all look at me and say, and they'll say,
"Hey look at him, I'll never live that way."
But that's okay, they're just afraid to change.
And when you feel your life ain't worth living
You've got to stand up and take a look around you
Then a look way up to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
Keep on dreaming, boy, 'cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die.
And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
Some ways we'll work and other ways we'll play.
But I know we can't all stay here forever,
So I want to write my words on the face of today
...And then they'll paint it
And oh as I fade away,
They'll all look at me and say, they'll say,
"Hey look at him and where he is these days."
When life is hard, you have to change.
When life is hard, you have to change.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
7:56 p.m. i think i am finally starting to get the old 'blaire' back. a different, more rough-around-the-edges blaire, but its better nonetheless.
what a relief to have some solid freakin time where my betrothed friend 'sadness' has had little interference. I am glad to say it. that i am feeling a little bit better. i had a great weekend, with a great friend, and some great buddies. Thank you, all! it means a lot to me.
i am not completely restored, but who the hell knows when or if that will happen. all i can do is one day at a fucking time. that's it! If i think about yesterday, ill crumble and barf....if i think about tomorrow, i got nothing. just today, that's where im at, and it's all you get.
the hole that was left in my heart, when i was broken, gutted, empty and drowning in sadness...is slooooowly filling back up. its going to take a lot more laughs and wine, but i think im up for the challenge. i have no choice, because i am a survivor.
thank you everyone for helping me crawl out of this nasty darkness. its been BAD. but, i am grateful that i haven't had to crawl alone. i love you, my lovely people. i owe you the stars.
i think i am going to go about my evening, step one: shiraz!
cheers to the people of my heart~
what a relief to have some solid freakin time where my betrothed friend 'sadness' has had little interference. I am glad to say it. that i am feeling a little bit better. i had a great weekend, with a great friend, and some great buddies. Thank you, all! it means a lot to me.
i am not completely restored, but who the hell knows when or if that will happen. all i can do is one day at a fucking time. that's it! If i think about yesterday, ill crumble and barf....if i think about tomorrow, i got nothing. just today, that's where im at, and it's all you get.
the hole that was left in my heart, when i was broken, gutted, empty and drowning in sadness...is slooooowly filling back up. its going to take a lot more laughs and wine, but i think im up for the challenge. i have no choice, because i am a survivor.
thank you everyone for helping me crawl out of this nasty darkness. its been BAD. but, i am grateful that i haven't had to crawl alone. i love you, my lovely people. i owe you the stars.
i think i am going to go about my evening, step one: shiraz!
cheers to the people of my heart~
Friday, January 27, 2012
12:44 a.m. ......my old friend: sleep, we have got to start getting along better. there is no other choice.
so i let a few more tears slip. big deal. except i feel like it is. whyyyyy is this so hard?
i just want to move on. im ready to MOVE ON. i think.
i even had thoughts about another boy. a very nice boy. a boy that should stay away from me, since im super duper messed up and obviously crazy for still loving a heartbreaker. but...i can at least think of the new boy......at a distance that is safe for both of us.
in my mind...i am constantly thinking about my heartache, or how i can overcome it. I am a fighter....not of all things, but for personal victories in life...yes. so...i just need to find a way to 'combat' all of this darkness that is surrounding me. I feel like there is this slow moving, screechy train that follows me around sometimes. in the train cars are loneliness, sadness, self-pitty, depression and about 37 loads of
'what-ifs' and 'whys?' I need to derail this damn train. send it back to the abyss it came from.
to the boy:
......you don't get it. you really dont. we had the 'REAL DEAL.' the stuff that doesnt come around everyday, or even every century. even if our 'deal' was only seasonal, you didn't have to cut it off so sparatically and so coldly and so cowardly. because, darling....when you cut if off from your life...you left a gapping hole in mine. that is so harsh, and uncaring. when you promised to be so good to me, i believed you, that you would; and i also believed in my heart, that you would forever.
congratulations on making me a fool, because i bought it. every damn word that you said, sang, whispered and wrote. with each successive 'melt' letting you farther into my heart.
maybe i should thank you though. i think about that sometimes too. that maybe, if we for some reason weren't right, that you were the one to free us. but your version of liberty and mine must be very different.
if i stood over the loo long enough right now, i could vomit. you see that, you...you make me sick, in my body. this is like a disease or something. ive got a fuckin case of the blues...with no remedy to boot.
---------
at least i have this: LIFE GOES ON. that is simple. i can live with that. i can 'go on.' its not going to be easy, and i won't like it very much for a while, but i surely can. and i will.
here's to my 3rd or 4th try at bed tonight.
peace
so i let a few more tears slip. big deal. except i feel like it is. whyyyyy is this so hard?
i just want to move on. im ready to MOVE ON. i think.
i even had thoughts about another boy. a very nice boy. a boy that should stay away from me, since im super duper messed up and obviously crazy for still loving a heartbreaker. but...i can at least think of the new boy......at a distance that is safe for both of us.
in my mind...i am constantly thinking about my heartache, or how i can overcome it. I am a fighter....not of all things, but for personal victories in life...yes. so...i just need to find a way to 'combat' all of this darkness that is surrounding me. I feel like there is this slow moving, screechy train that follows me around sometimes. in the train cars are loneliness, sadness, self-pitty, depression and about 37 loads of
'what-ifs' and 'whys?' I need to derail this damn train. send it back to the abyss it came from.
to the boy:
congratulations on making me a fool, because i bought it. every damn word that you said, sang, whispered and wrote. with each successive 'melt' letting you farther into my heart.
maybe i should thank you though. i think about that sometimes too. that maybe, if we for some reason weren't right, that you were the one to free us. but your version of liberty and mine must be very different.
if i stood over the loo long enough right now, i could vomit. you see that, you...you make me sick, in my body. this is like a disease or something. ive got a fuckin case of the blues...with no remedy to boot.
---------
at least i have this: LIFE GOES ON. that is simple. i can live with that. i can 'go on.' its not going to be easy, and i won't like it very much for a while, but i surely can. and i will.
here's to my 3rd or 4th try at bed tonight.
peace
Monday, January 23, 2012
11:33 p.m. i think my heart is still leaking. i can feel it in there, the sadness is dripping out.
this is the worst hurt i have ever felt. its still in there, battling against me, trying to darken my every rainbow. maybe something is on fire, because i feel it burning in there too.
God, please just come and help me. i desperately need you. i don't know where to start, and i know i've been away for a long time. but, please, please, please..........have mercy on my broken heart. it hurts so bad. deliver me from sorrow and emptiness. please be with me. i can't be alone any longer. let's meet in the mountains in my dreams, ok?
this is the worst hurt i have ever felt. its still in there, battling against me, trying to darken my every rainbow. maybe something is on fire, because i feel it burning in there too.
God, please just come and help me. i desperately need you. i don't know where to start, and i know i've been away for a long time. but, please, please, please..........have mercy on my broken heart. it hurts so bad. deliver me from sorrow and emptiness. please be with me. i can't be alone any longer. let's meet in the mountains in my dreams, ok?
Friday, January 20, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
"Shine On"---Jet
Please don't cry
You know I'm leaving here tonight
Before I go I want you to know there will always be a light
And if the moon had to runaway
And all the stars didn't wanna play
Don't waste the sun on a rainy day
The wind will soon blow it all away
So many times I'd planned
To be much more than who I am
And if I let you down
I will follow you 'round
Until you understand...
That if the moon had to runaway
And all the stars didn't wanna play
Don't waste the sun on a rainy day
The wind will soon blow it all away
When the days all feel the same
Don't feel the cold or wind or rain
Everything will be okay
We will meet again one day
I will shine on
For everyone
So please don't cry
Although I leave you here this night
Where ever I may go how far I don't know
But I will always be your light
And if the moon had to runaway
And all the stars didn't wanna play
Don't waste the sun on a rainy day
The wind will soon blow it all away
When the days all seem the same
Don't feel the cold or wind or rain
Everything will be okay
We will meet again one day
I will shine on
For everyone
Shine on
For everyone
When the stars all look the same
Don't feel the cold or wind or rain
Everything will be okay
We will meet again one day
I will shine on
For everyone
I will shine on
For everyone
You know I'm leaving here tonight
Before I go I want you to know there will always be a light
And if the moon had to runaway
And all the stars didn't wanna play
Don't waste the sun on a rainy day
The wind will soon blow it all away
So many times I'd planned
To be much more than who I am
And if I let you down
I will follow you 'round
Until you understand...
That if the moon had to runaway
And all the stars didn't wanna play
Don't waste the sun on a rainy day
The wind will soon blow it all away
When the days all feel the same
Don't feel the cold or wind or rain
Everything will be okay
We will meet again one day
I will shine on
For everyone
So please don't cry
Although I leave you here this night
Where ever I may go how far I don't know
But I will always be your light
And if the moon had to runaway
And all the stars didn't wanna play
Don't waste the sun on a rainy day
The wind will soon blow it all away
When the days all seem the same
Don't feel the cold or wind or rain
Everything will be okay
We will meet again one day
I will shine on
For everyone
Shine on
For everyone
When the stars all look the same
Don't feel the cold or wind or rain
Everything will be okay
We will meet again one day
I will shine on
For everyone
I will shine on
For everyone
Shine On
4:09 p.m. my lungs are burning.
I just ran two miles. it's certainly been a while since i have done that. approximately 25 years or so.
today, i felt some warm light. which is actually ironic because it was a negative degree temperature this morning. but.....yes, i felt some 'goodness' today. i also felt several stones of sadness penetrate me, but i am choosing in this moment to think about the light.
i also feel good that i woke up early to do some yoga. I was actually already awake...surprise, surprise...but it feel great to DO something good for myself, first thing in the day. I really should be doing this quite often. in fact, i am going to do it every morning, for the next...............two weeks. that is my goal.
time to hit the showers.
I just ran two miles. it's certainly been a while since i have done that. approximately 25 years or so.
today, i felt some warm light. which is actually ironic because it was a negative degree temperature this morning. but.....yes, i felt some 'goodness' today. i also felt several stones of sadness penetrate me, but i am choosing in this moment to think about the light.
i also feel good that i woke up early to do some yoga. I was actually already awake...surprise, surprise...but it feel great to DO something good for myself, first thing in the day. I really should be doing this quite often. in fact, i am going to do it every morning, for the next...............two weeks. that is my goal.
time to hit the showers.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
eviction notice
6:35 a.m. i had a dream about him just before i woke up, a few minutes ago. what the hell man? if this has to be this way, then i at least want my own mind and dreams to myself. ahh, what is wrong with me?
i wish to bid farewell to the memories we made, and to the energy we generated that still lingers inside my existence. i most certainly bid riddance to the desperate hope that this will somehow turn around someday. you are never going to get better and come back, are you? well, i do honestly hope that you at least get better. and i hope i fucking do too. soon, please!
i feel like this is haunting me a little, or a lot. thoughts, memories and apparently dreams of you are in this constant cycle. please stop. the truth is that i do still love you. even after witnessing your 'unraveled' self, and hearing you say that you don't want me or love me. i still fucking love you man. it grosses me out actually, hearing myself admit it. seeing it written. but i dont know what to do with my love.
if you needed 'freedom,' then so do i. i really do, now. im SICK of giving you my thoughts and allowing you a place in my dreams, and crying my damn tears over you. GET AWAY, GET OUT, LEAVE ME ALONE. you have no welcome anymore. you keep hurting me, but i suppose it's because i keep letting you and i don't know how to discontinue this. blah. barf. i don't know.
recovery. restoration. healing. those all sound good.
i need coffee.
i wish to bid farewell to the memories we made, and to the energy we generated that still lingers inside my existence. i most certainly bid riddance to the desperate hope that this will somehow turn around someday. you are never going to get better and come back, are you? well, i do honestly hope that you at least get better. and i hope i fucking do too. soon, please!
i feel like this is haunting me a little, or a lot. thoughts, memories and apparently dreams of you are in this constant cycle. please stop. the truth is that i do still love you. even after witnessing your 'unraveled' self, and hearing you say that you don't want me or love me. i still fucking love you man. it grosses me out actually, hearing myself admit it. seeing it written. but i dont know what to do with my love.
if you needed 'freedom,' then so do i. i really do, now. im SICK of giving you my thoughts and allowing you a place in my dreams, and crying my damn tears over you. GET AWAY, GET OUT, LEAVE ME ALONE. you have no welcome anymore. you keep hurting me, but i suppose it's because i keep letting you and i don't know how to discontinue this. blah. barf. i don't know.
recovery. restoration. healing. those all sound good.
i need coffee.
Monday, January 16, 2012
whoa
12:44 a.m.
bottles, gobblets and beers oh my! im drunk, and actually feelin alright. i had a good time with my peeps here, thanks for the smiles and laughs yo.
i had a good weekend with family. i still find moments, even when im surrounded by my loved ones to be sad though. i can't help but still thinking about him, and hoping he is going to be ok. but you know what, i need to get lost in moments where im thinking about how i can be ok. he is the captain of his words and actions. i am the captain of mine. i can't worry about him, or be bothered by his shit any longer.
that is so much easier said than done.
i really don't know how to move in a direction that will take me away from loving him. i really don't know if i want to, or if i am ready yet.
EVEN after the way that he has displayed himself to me, or not to me, whatever......my heart still just wants to brake for him, to love him, to hope for him. THIS FEELING MIGHT ROT INSIDE OF ME.
i don't know what to do with those stupid unsettled feelings, but i have to move forward. i owe it to myself. to get a grip here. to make some good decisions. to be a little selfish. to think about MY best interests. ........i still think he has NO idea how much i put into our relationship. i tried SOOOO hard to give what i had to give (whilst trying to maintain my individual existence). how hard did he try? how much did he sacrifice? what did he have to do to work really hard at 'us'?
am i just being pathetic? sometimes i wonder if im just giving into the sadness here, and that i should just be stron and 'get over it.' but.......it's soo hard. the tears, they just happen. the missing him, it overtakes me, and i can't help it. why did he leave me? i would have loved him so well. the kind of love that they write songs about. the fucking shit that van and al sing about. the REAL FUCKING STUFF. i don't know where to put my love. it's lost.
i'm drunk. i better just drink some water and go to bed.
good thing i start therapy tomorrow. i hope that i find something there that will help.
goodnight folk'
bottles, gobblets and beers oh my! im drunk, and actually feelin alright. i had a good time with my peeps here, thanks for the smiles and laughs yo.
i had a good weekend with family. i still find moments, even when im surrounded by my loved ones to be sad though. i can't help but still thinking about him, and hoping he is going to be ok. but you know what, i need to get lost in moments where im thinking about how i can be ok. he is the captain of his words and actions. i am the captain of mine. i can't worry about him, or be bothered by his shit any longer.
that is so much easier said than done.
i really don't know how to move in a direction that will take me away from loving him. i really don't know if i want to, or if i am ready yet.
EVEN after the way that he has displayed himself to me, or not to me, whatever......my heart still just wants to brake for him, to love him, to hope for him. THIS FEELING MIGHT ROT INSIDE OF ME.
i don't know what to do with those stupid unsettled feelings, but i have to move forward. i owe it to myself. to get a grip here. to make some good decisions. to be a little selfish. to think about MY best interests. ........i still think he has NO idea how much i put into our relationship. i tried SOOOO hard to give what i had to give (whilst trying to maintain my individual existence). how hard did he try? how much did he sacrifice? what did he have to do to work really hard at 'us'?
am i just being pathetic? sometimes i wonder if im just giving into the sadness here, and that i should just be stron and 'get over it.' but.......it's soo hard. the tears, they just happen. the missing him, it overtakes me, and i can't help it. why did he leave me? i would have loved him so well. the kind of love that they write songs about. the fucking shit that van and al sing about. the REAL FUCKING STUFF. i don't know where to put my love. it's lost.
i'm drunk. i better just drink some water and go to bed.
good thing i start therapy tomorrow. i hope that i find something there that will help.
goodnight folk'
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
some more lyrics
You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
---'poison and wine' - - The Civil Wars
I know everything you don't want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
---'poison and wine' - - The Civil Wars
pillow cave
10:23 p.m. im back to my place. out of that bad place, where he is. you can't hurt me here. i wish that were true.
i have made a decision. this hole in my heart has made it hard for me to live, really. trying to get better has been even harder. i decided that if i can't achieve victory of it all, i will just try to win each day, one at a time. that's the best i can do right now.
i think something dark creepily snuck up on me at a very weak moment. because this is hard. really hard. and sooo sad. im not a sad person, but here i am, sitting in a pool of my loneliness and sorrows. i really need to climb out of this. i will.
to the boy:
it was simple for me. i wanted to be with you, i was so happy that i was, and i loved you. i really thought you were deserving and worthy of my heart.
it must have been much more complicated and difficult for you. i still believe that there are truths you aren't facing. and i can't believe that you cut me out, and left me broken and wounded. the pain lingers, and my heart aches. i want to forgive you. right now i can't. right now i can barely breath.
---------
yucky love stuff. being raw and bare and so real with someone. that's the stuff. but the deeper you go, the more hurt you can get. i couldn't help falling in love with him, now i can't help falling into this darkness because he doesn't want me. even though i feel the most pathetic i have ever felt, i still do believe in myself. i know my value. i deserve something great. i just thought that he could give it to me.
the grossest part of how i feel right now is that i still think about him so much. even after seeing him with a different girl, in his regressed condition. this disgusts me. i am disgusting myself here. i want to burry every memory, and treat them as dead. because its too hard to remember the way you looked at me and the way you touched me, and then to accept that you'll have no further part.
this sadness is consuming me. the sleepless nights are so frustrating. i am so sorry to my body. my body is like the punching bag in this equation. barely any sleep, poor nutrition..overall lack of attention. this needs to get better. i can do this. i can at least do today.
goodnight
i have made a decision. this hole in my heart has made it hard for me to live, really. trying to get better has been even harder. i decided that if i can't achieve victory of it all, i will just try to win each day, one at a time. that's the best i can do right now.
i think something dark creepily snuck up on me at a very weak moment. because this is hard. really hard. and sooo sad. im not a sad person, but here i am, sitting in a pool of my loneliness and sorrows. i really need to climb out of this. i will.
to the boy:
it was simple for me. i wanted to be with you, i was so happy that i was, and i loved you. i really thought you were deserving and worthy of my heart.
it must have been much more complicated and difficult for you. i still believe that there are truths you aren't facing. and i can't believe that you cut me out, and left me broken and wounded. the pain lingers, and my heart aches. i want to forgive you. right now i can't. right now i can barely breath.
---------
yucky love stuff. being raw and bare and so real with someone. that's the stuff. but the deeper you go, the more hurt you can get. i couldn't help falling in love with him, now i can't help falling into this darkness because he doesn't want me. even though i feel the most pathetic i have ever felt, i still do believe in myself. i know my value. i deserve something great. i just thought that he could give it to me.
the grossest part of how i feel right now is that i still think about him so much. even after seeing him with a different girl, in his regressed condition. this disgusts me. i am disgusting myself here. i want to burry every memory, and treat them as dead. because its too hard to remember the way you looked at me and the way you touched me, and then to accept that you'll have no further part.
this sadness is consuming me. the sleepless nights are so frustrating. i am so sorry to my body. my body is like the punching bag in this equation. barely any sleep, poor nutrition..overall lack of attention. this needs to get better. i can do this. i can at least do today.
goodnight
Saturday, January 7, 2012
2:34 a.m. i wish i could say i was drunk.
just barely buzzed, and fucking pissed. you sick bastard.
you and your fucking talk about the damn universe. 'getting back what you've put in.' .....you really want back what you have put out there??? i didn't think so....what in the hell did i do to make you flip like this?
who the hell are you even? or.....who are you now? you are smoking again...cool......NOT. so this is all so damn hard for you...you need a little smokey....you fucking asshole. boy....i've thought about smoking. in my conscious and unconscious moments....and i'm not even a smoker.
way to go you jerk.
are you finding all you 'needed to find' by leaving me? i guess you didn't need alone time. you just needed time to be a loser or something....getting fresh with yet a different girl in front of me. ya fuckin jackass!
i accepted EXACTLY who you were. i wanted you the way i saw you. i would have given you everything. but why? right now, i don't know....you're really making me wonder.
would it make me feel better to kick you in the crotch? not sure...but it seems like a good idea.
the answer...no, it's not going to make me feel better. i would feel better if i could believe that you were truly remorseful for braking my heart. but i can't believe that. nothing that you have done or said to me allow me to believe that. you are not remorseful. in the least. you are on a path of destruction.
i can understand you were hurting. but why in the hell did you have to take me down with you? you cold fucker.
you were lucky to have me. i thought i was lucky to have had you. you did NOT realize what you had. you pisser.
i am trapped in this stupid place. this is unjust. don't even pretend you are 'ok' to me. i know your truth. you are not ok. you are in a very bad place buddy. i just wanted to love you through it. but this is the destiny that you have CHOSEN. this is not your fate, but your fucking consequence. how's that taste you jerk?
may your universe deliver your 'coming reward.'
---truly disgusted---
just barely buzzed, and fucking pissed. you sick bastard.
you and your fucking talk about the damn universe. 'getting back what you've put in.' .....you really want back what you have put out there??? i didn't think so....what in the hell did i do to make you flip like this?
who the hell are you even? or.....who are you now? you are smoking again...cool......NOT. so this is all so damn hard for you...you need a little smokey....you fucking asshole. boy....i've thought about smoking. in my conscious and unconscious moments....and i'm not even a smoker.
way to go you jerk.
are you finding all you 'needed to find' by leaving me? i guess you didn't need alone time. you just needed time to be a loser or something....getting fresh with yet a different girl in front of me. ya fuckin jackass!
i accepted EXACTLY who you were. i wanted you the way i saw you. i would have given you everything. but why? right now, i don't know....you're really making me wonder.
would it make me feel better to kick you in the crotch? not sure...but it seems like a good idea.
the answer...no, it's not going to make me feel better. i would feel better if i could believe that you were truly remorseful for braking my heart. but i can't believe that. nothing that you have done or said to me allow me to believe that. you are not remorseful. in the least. you are on a path of destruction.
i can understand you were hurting. but why in the hell did you have to take me down with you? you cold fucker.
you were lucky to have me. i thought i was lucky to have had you. you did NOT realize what you had. you pisser.
i am trapped in this stupid place. this is unjust. don't even pretend you are 'ok' to me. i know your truth. you are not ok. you are in a very bad place buddy. i just wanted to love you through it. but this is the destiny that you have CHOSEN. this is not your fate, but your fucking consequence. how's that taste you jerk?
may your universe deliver your 'coming reward.'
---truly disgusted---
Friday, January 6, 2012
there's the lyrics kids...
Verse 1)
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
(Chorus)
I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more
(Verse 2)
Time stands still
Beauty I know she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
(Chorus)
I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more
And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more
One step closer
One step closer
(Chorus)
I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid,
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more
And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more
"A Thousand Years" - - - - Christina Perri
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
(Chorus)
I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more
(Verse 2)
Time stands still
Beauty I know she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
(Chorus)
I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more
And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more
One step closer
One step closer
(Chorus)
I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid,
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more
And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more
"A Thousand Years" - - - - Christina Perri
big wheel keep on turnin'
3:11 p.m. my coffee is cold. oh well.
so, it's a new year. the very end of last year was like this whirly final breath of bad feelings. i have been spinning with no order or control or brakes.
i lied when i said there wouldn't be anymore tears. sometimes ya just can't help it i guess. just because someone didn't love me back, or wasn't able to or whatever....i still love that person. it sort of disgusts me. that i can't turn it off, but ultimately...i wouldn't change that about me. i am a 'lover'....not an 'unlover.'
yeah. i miss him. a lot. there it is. i still think about him...a lot. its really crappy tho. because im certain that he isn't thinking about me, or missing me. it's just going to take a while. uhg. time machine, anyone?
this is really honest, and actually pretty pathetic. but, so crucial for me to move on. thanks for listening everyone.
i am not always backwards bound however. i've felt very encouraged from my great friends and family to take good care of myself. i look forward to getting back into my routine and focusing on my last semester of school. i feel encouraged from myself too. i know, within myself, that i will be ok. its just this messy area that i have to get passed first.
i heard a sappy song on the radio today. it was a girl singing about loving someone for a thousand years. every day she died waiting. but she still loved him for a thousand years. im not sure if i heard the whole song correctly, but that's what i got from it. .....i would have loved him for a thousand years. even if that sounds ridiculous. and i do feel like i have died every day these past weeks waiting for him to take it all back. but he isn't going to. he won't, because he doesn't want me.
the night that he broke up with me, i CRIED, and prayed and begged that he would arrive at my door and take it all back and let me back into his heart. that he would let 'us' find a way to make it work. that he wouldn't give up.
that was the darkest night i have ever lived. which is somewhat silly because even at 25 i have some pretty heavy life experiences under my belt. this whole experience has really gutted me. i feel pretty lost these days. i don't blame him entirely. i really don't. i think i am dealing with a lot of things above this situation right now. that is why i think i need some help.
i can be reasonable though. i can accept that he needed to end things, and that he needed to go his own way. it just hurt me so much that he lead me on so close to our day of departure. i was just so fully 'in.' and that he made it so brutally cold and final. i guess that's his style in closing chapters. it just isn't mine, but i didn't get a say. i just got dumped, and nothing else.
i think i just need to find my way onward here. with good friends, and loads of good music. and loads and loads of booze, hah. i'm going to try really hard to make healthy choices for myself, and to encourage my loved ones to make healthy choices too.
cheers to renewal~
so, it's a new year. the very end of last year was like this whirly final breath of bad feelings. i have been spinning with no order or control or brakes.
i lied when i said there wouldn't be anymore tears. sometimes ya just can't help it i guess. just because someone didn't love me back, or wasn't able to or whatever....i still love that person. it sort of disgusts me. that i can't turn it off, but ultimately...i wouldn't change that about me. i am a 'lover'....not an 'unlover.'
yeah. i miss him. a lot. there it is. i still think about him...a lot. its really crappy tho. because im certain that he isn't thinking about me, or missing me. it's just going to take a while. uhg. time machine, anyone?
this is really honest, and actually pretty pathetic. but, so crucial for me to move on. thanks for listening everyone.
i am not always backwards bound however. i've felt very encouraged from my great friends and family to take good care of myself. i look forward to getting back into my routine and focusing on my last semester of school. i feel encouraged from myself too. i know, within myself, that i will be ok. its just this messy area that i have to get passed first.
i heard a sappy song on the radio today. it was a girl singing about loving someone for a thousand years. every day she died waiting. but she still loved him for a thousand years. im not sure if i heard the whole song correctly, but that's what i got from it. .....i would have loved him for a thousand years. even if that sounds ridiculous. and i do feel like i have died every day these past weeks waiting for him to take it all back. but he isn't going to. he won't, because he doesn't want me.
the night that he broke up with me, i CRIED, and prayed and begged that he would arrive at my door and take it all back and let me back into his heart. that he would let 'us' find a way to make it work. that he wouldn't give up.
that was the darkest night i have ever lived. which is somewhat silly because even at 25 i have some pretty heavy life experiences under my belt. this whole experience has really gutted me. i feel pretty lost these days. i don't blame him entirely. i really don't. i think i am dealing with a lot of things above this situation right now. that is why i think i need some help.
i can be reasonable though. i can accept that he needed to end things, and that he needed to go his own way. it just hurt me so much that he lead me on so close to our day of departure. i was just so fully 'in.' and that he made it so brutally cold and final. i guess that's his style in closing chapters. it just isn't mine, but i didn't get a say. i just got dumped, and nothing else.
i think i just need to find my way onward here. with good friends, and loads of good music. and loads and loads of booze, hah. i'm going to try really hard to make healthy choices for myself, and to encourage my loved ones to make healthy choices too.
cheers to renewal~
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