12:44 a.m. ......my old friend: sleep, we have got to start getting along better.  there is no other choice.

so i let a few more tears slip.  big deal.  except i feel like it is.  whyyyyy is this so hard?

i just want to move on.  im ready to MOVE ON.  i think.

i even had thoughts about another boy.  a very nice boy.  a boy that should stay away from me, since im super duper messed up and obviously crazy for still loving a heartbreaker.  but...i can at least think of the new boy......at a distance that is safe for both of us.

in my mind...i am constantly thinking about my heartache, or how i can overcome it.  I am a fighter....not of all things, but for personal victories in life...yes.  so...i just need to find a way to 'combat' all of this darkness that is surrounding me.  I feel like there is this slow moving, screechy train that follows me around sometimes.  in the train cars are loneliness, sadness, self-pitty, depression and about 37 loads of
'what-ifs' and 'whys?'  I need to derail this damn train.  send it back to the abyss it came from.

to the boy:

......you don't get it.  you really dont.  we had the 'REAL DEAL.'  the stuff that doesnt come around everyday, or even every century.  even if our 'deal' was only seasonal, you didn't have to cut it off so sparatically and so coldly and so cowardly.  because, darling....when you cut if off from your life...you left a gapping hole in mine.  that is so harsh, and uncaring.  when you promised to be so good to me, i believed you, that you would; and i also believed in my heart, that you would forever.

congratulations on making me a fool, because i bought it.  every damn word that you said, sang, whispered and wrote.  with each successive 'melt' letting you farther into my heart.

maybe i should thank you though.  i think about that sometimes too.  that maybe, if we for some reason weren't right, that you were the one to free us.  but your version of liberty and mine must be very different.

if i stood over the loo long enough right now, i could vomit.  you see that, you...you make me sick, in my body.  this is like a disease or something.  ive got a fuckin case of the blues...with no remedy to boot.

---------

at least i have this:  LIFE GOES ON.  that is simple.  i can live with that.  i can 'go on.'  its not going to be easy, and i won't like it very much for a while, but i surely can.  and i will.

here's to my 3rd or 4th try at bed tonight.

peace