whoa

12:44 a.m.

bottles, gobblets and beers oh my!  im drunk, and actually feelin alright.  i had a good time with my peeps here, thanks for the smiles and laughs yo.

i had a good weekend with family.  i still find moments, even when im surrounded by my loved ones to be sad though.  i can't help but still thinking about him, and hoping he is going to be ok.  but you know what, i need to get lost in moments where im thinking about how i can be ok.  he is the captain of his words and actions.  i am the captain of mine.  i can't worry about him, or be bothered by his shit any longer.

that is so much easier said than done.

i really don't know how to move in a direction that will take me away from loving him.  i really don't know if i want to, or if i am ready yet.

EVEN after the way that he has displayed himself to me, or not to me, whatever......my heart still just wants to brake for him, to love him, to hope for him.   THIS FEELING MIGHT ROT INSIDE OF ME.

i don't know what to do with those stupid unsettled feelings, but i have to move forward.  i owe it to myself.  to get a grip here.  to make some good decisions.  to be a little selfish.  to think about MY best interests.  ........i still think he has NO idea how much i put into our relationship.  i tried SOOOO hard to give what i had to give (whilst trying to maintain my individual existence).  how hard did he try?  how much did he sacrifice?  what did he have to do to work really hard at 'us'?

am i just being pathetic?  sometimes i wonder if im just giving into the sadness here, and that i should just be stron and 'get over it.'  but.......it's soo hard.  the tears, they just happen.  the missing him, it overtakes me, and i can't help it.  why did he leave me?  i would have loved him so well.  the kind of love that they write songs about.  the fucking shit that van and al sing about.  the REAL FUCKING STUFF.  i don't know where to put my love.  it's lost.

i'm drunk.  i better just drink some water and go to bed.

good thing i start therapy tomorrow.  i hope that i find something there that will help.

goodnight folk'