big wheel keep on turnin'

3:11 p.m.  my coffee is cold.  oh well.

so, it's a new year.  the very end of last year was like this whirly final breath of bad feelings.  i have been spinning with no order or control or brakes.

i lied when i said there wouldn't be anymore tears.  sometimes ya just can't help it i guess.  just because someone didn't love me back, or wasn't able to or whatever....i still love that person.  it sort of disgusts me.  that i can't turn it off, but ultimately...i wouldn't change that about me.  i am a 'lover'....not an 'unlover.'

yeah.  i miss him.  a lot.  there it is.  i still think about him...a lot.  its really crappy tho.  because im certain that he isn't thinking about me, or missing me.  it's just going to take a while.  uhg.  time machine, anyone?

this is really honest, and actually pretty pathetic.  but, so crucial for me to move on.  thanks for listening everyone.

i am not always backwards bound however.  i've felt very encouraged from my great friends and family to take good care of myself.  i look forward to getting back into my routine and focusing on my last semester of school.  i feel encouraged from myself too.  i know, within myself, that i will be ok.  its just this messy area that i have to get passed first.  

i heard a sappy song on the radio today.  it was a girl singing about loving someone for a thousand years.  every day she died waiting. but she still loved him for a thousand years.  im not sure if i heard the whole song correctly, but that's what i got from it. .....i would have loved him for a thousand years.  even if that sounds ridiculous.  and i do feel like i have died every day these past weeks waiting for him to take it all back.  but he isn't going to.  he won't, because he doesn't want me.

the night that he broke up with me, i CRIED, and prayed and begged that he would arrive at my door and take it all back and let me back into his heart.  that he would let 'us' find a way to make it work. that he wouldn't give up.

that was the darkest night i have ever lived.  which is somewhat silly because even at 25 i have some pretty heavy life experiences under my belt.  this whole experience has really gutted me.  i feel pretty lost these days.  i don't blame him entirely.  i really don't.  i think i am dealing with a lot of things above this situation right now.  that is why i think i need some help.

i can be reasonable though.  i can accept that he needed to end things, and that he needed to go his own way.  it just hurt me so much that he lead me on so close to our day of departure.  i was just so fully 'in.'  and that he made it so brutally cold and final.  i guess that's his style in closing chapters.  it just isn't mine, but i didn't get a say.  i just got dumped, and nothing else.

i think i just need to find my way onward here.  with good friends, and loads of good music.  and loads and loads of booze, hah.  i'm going to try really hard to make healthy choices for myself, and to encourage my loved ones to make healthy choices too.

cheers to renewal~