pillow cave

10:23 p.m.  im back to my place.  out of that bad place, where he is.  you can't hurt me here.  i wish that were true.

i have made a decision.  this hole in my heart has made it hard for me to live, really.  trying to get better has been even harder.  i decided that if i can't achieve victory of it all, i will just try to win each day, one at a time.  that's the best i can do right now.

i think something dark creepily snuck up on me at a very weak moment.  because this is hard.  really hard.  and sooo sad.  im not a sad person, but here i am, sitting in a pool of my loneliness and sorrows.  i really need to climb out of this.  i will.

to the boy:

it was simple for me.  i wanted to be with you, i was so happy that i was, and i loved you.  i really thought you were deserving and worthy of my heart.

it must have been much more complicated and difficult for you.  i still believe that there are truths you aren't facing.  and i can't believe that you cut me out, and left me broken and wounded.  the pain lingers, and my heart aches.  i want to forgive you.  right now i can't.  right now i can barely breath.


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yucky love stuff.  being raw and bare and so real with someone.  that's the stuff.  but the deeper you go, the more hurt you can get.  i couldn't help falling in love with him, now i can't help falling into this darkness because he doesn't want me.  even though i feel the most pathetic i have ever felt, i still do believe in myself.  i know my value.  i deserve something great.  i just thought that he could give it to me.

the grossest part of how i feel right now is that i still think about him so much.  even after seeing him with a different girl, in his regressed condition.  this disgusts me.  i am disgusting myself here.  i want to burry every memory, and treat them as dead.  because its too hard to remember the way you looked at me and the way you touched me, and then to accept that you'll have no further part.

this sadness is consuming me.  the sleepless nights are so frustrating.  i am so sorry to my body.  my body is like the punching bag in this equation.  barely any sleep, poor nutrition..overall lack of attention.  this needs to get better.  i can do this. i can at least do today.

goodnight