ya know what? fuck.

11:28 pm.  I really don't even know where to start (probably with a doobie).  why do i feel like a mess right now?  not sure.  why does the world suck?  also not sure.

I think i just get worn out from this fucking gross world, that i forget to protect myself from it.  My guard is weakened and i let really stupid shit bother me.  which then, catapults this horseshit called depression.  its a disease that i don't recommend to anyone.  take my word, please.

when did i become so cynical?  probably around the time that i realized life is full of disappointment.  see what i did there?  the real champions are people who are good at dealing with disappointment, maybe.  i dont know. If i knew the recipe for not sucking at life, i wouldn't be crying in my bed at 11:30 on a sunday night.

unfortunately, when the disease comes back, its abrupt.  and suffocating.  it is physically hard to breath sometimes, because im so overwhelmed with sadness.  fuck you darkness.

dont get me wrong (or at least not all-of-the-way wrong), i have a lot of things in my life to reflect positively about.  I really do spend a lot of my time thinking about those things.  it kind of keeps me alive.  i have many great and wonderful people and memories and dreams to fill up my time.  but somehow this yucky shit creeps in every once-in-awhile.  i need to get better at fighting it.  it probably wouldnt hurt to get better at making smarter decisions.  haha (that does merit a laugh).

lets talk about relationships for a second.  what the fuck?  right?  im completely aware that i have made some poor decisions regarding the character of some of my partners, perhaps.  but, ya know what?  im really sick of people not treating me the way i deserve to be treated.  or maybe the world just thinks a lot less of me than i do of myself in which case im totally fucked.  at this point, im going with the prior. i am choosing to believe that i am worth the stars and moon.  hopefully i never stop believing that.  if some sorry suckers can't handle that, then scram.  because i was made to love.  the biggest and truest kind.  its the only destiny driven feature i believe about myself.  that i was made to love.  some people maybe cant handle that.  i don't know.  all i know, is that its become very hard for me to face any sort of feelings, because according to history, my heart will be the casualty.  i really dont think i can take much more.  it really wears a girl out, ya know?

how did i get here?  how did i become this person that is so flimsy?  i used to be so much stronger than i feel anymore.  

uhg.  another fucking episode of 'why am i crying?'  i need a remote so i can turn the channel, this one sucks, haha.

ok.  ive had enough of this for today.  i think im going to go and try to barf up some of my self-loathing and then try and sleep.  im so tired.  all i want to do is sleep.  that's a simple and basic request.  yet, i can't.  sometimes it feels like torture (probably because it is).

goodnight