Ya Know what?

Love kinda fuckin' sucks!....sometimes

-I am in the process of getting over a relationship/break-up, and ya know what? I don't like it! I'm a big girl, I'll make it just fine. I'm not worried that I'll never find good love. I'm just in a chronic state of "uuuurrruuuuhhhhggg!" right now, got it?

-I put myself out there (when I wasn't even looking), and it didn't work. Big deal, Life goes on.

-This state of "repair" can't be all bad, right? I tried to drink it off, that didn't work. In fact, it just made me sadder. I am trying this "healthy and active" thing, but i usually chase that with chocolate and french fries. So far everything seems to be really great.

-However, my support circle has been great. I have plenty of great souls to vent to and cry to and drink with and laugh with. That helps so much.

Relationships are not all happy and fun. They require hard work, and commitment. There needs to be balance and chemistry. Intimacy and mystery. Passion and playfulness. I am no expert though.

-I guess I just ‘fell in’ and wanted it to work so badly. I’m such an ‘all-in’ kind of lover. If I’m decided that I like someone, and want to be with them, I just fall right in the deep end. My latest lover was like barely toes in the shallow end. The contrast was too big to dissolve. So we split.

It hurts. That we’ll never love again. Never engage in a long-lasting hug again. Never BE in love again.

What ever.

Cheers to moving on.

Listening to: Ray Lamontagne--God willin and the creek don't rise

spring always brings something new

So, I am only going to say a little; this is a good spring. Thank you God for always delivering us from a long and weary winter, this one especially. I always feel that along with nature, I 'come alive again' during this budding time. I am just so happy that the air is refreshing, the sun is warm, and the school days are numbered, hah. I am happy about many things these days, but I'll stick to spring for this post.

I have always loved this season. I was trying to remember if I enjoyed it so much when I was young, and I did. I remember bargaining with my mom in early spring one year, I think I was like 7 or 8. I had dug my bike out of the garage, in hopes of a liberating ride. Haha, of course my mother thought i was insane, since the sidewalks were still slushy, and it was barely spring. But it was all I needed, to be free. But back to the argument, I had dressed myself for this inaugural ride (in late march) in shorts and a t-shirt. She did pull a flag at this. We came to a compromise, instead of bare arms and legs, i had to choose either long pants with a short sleeved top, or long sleeves and shorts on bottom. I don't even remember what I chose, I just remember that it was FINALLY SPRING!

So, if you see a chubby, underdressed girl huffing and puffing the streets on an inexpensive and squeaky bike, then be sure to wave at ME!

Love ya!

how about this for real...

so lately, i feel there has been this damn theme of recurring disappointment. i don't quite understand it, and frankly, i'm really sick of it. I'm usually pretty good at rolling with the punches, but i guess maybe not at this. Im not quite sure how to repeatedly digest this feeling.

why am i disappointed?-----because people keep letting me down.

so many lately have done a great job at communicating how un-important i am to them.

true honesty here----it hurts pretty bad. and im angry about it.

I don't feel that i am expecting more than reasonable quality from people, but maybe a cause lies there. I don't know. Even if that is part of the disappointment, i refuse to expect less from people when i believe they are capable of deliverance.

i bet a bottle or two of my favorite white would start to make me feel better, but that just doesn't seem right, for now. I need to figure out why i keep feeling this way. in all of this, i also feel overwhelmingly guilty, too. for being a gigantic disappointment to God. when i realize how fucking shitty 'man' is, i immediately remember how PERFECT and AMAZING my God is. He will never disappoint me, and will never, ever, ever let me down. He is always looking out for me. And, im probably breaking HIS heart with every worldly thought i have, and action i take. I bet he is really disappointed in me, and I am hurting him like people seem to be hurting me. probably even worse.

ok. there you go.

im real.

im broken.

and im hurting.

i have got to find a way to get passed this. i know i will, because i have hope; it just still hurts.

till next time,

sad and angry, but mostly sad

An oldy

---I wrote this for my mom in December 2009 to go alongside some tree paintings I did for her living room.---

A Family Grows

A poem about family trees, or just families and trees!

Tree: a woody perennial plant with many branches stemming from one trunk.

“The tree trunk,

Solid, grounded, rooted,

Founded in the earth,

Patiently growing towards the sky.

Earth and Sky,

The tree now rooted in both,

Has branches to give life.

The branches,

Fast they grow,

Attempting to reach the sun,

They need the tree to hold them up.

Desperately needing support & growth.

The tree is always there,

Encouraging forever.

The tree lives in it’s branches,

The branches grow strong and tall.

The branches vary,

Moving in diverse directions.

The branches spread,

Far and vast,

Still connected eternally,

They will always be,

For all began life,

In the same Tree.”

snow day

hey kids! i have a snow day today, whoop---whoop!! I still have to work, but no school and sleeping in are two good things. I still got up at like 8 (because im ruined for lazy sleep-ins i guess). I made a yummy brekky, and a whole pot of coffee! A nice addition would be a cozy boy to help weather this free day with. someday they tell me.

-I just spent a weekend with two of my nephews. They crack me up. Oliver is 3, while assisting him for a 'potty break', he had a lot to say. His potty chair is against the wall in the bathroom, right across from the toilet. I took a seat on the loo, to wait for him to finish. With his pants around his ankles and his fingers tapping on his knees, he asks me "aunty, do you poop sometimes?" I died. He is full of humor in the form of irregular questions, and outrageous expressions. He keeps me entertained for sure.

-And then there is Lincoln, my sweet boy. He was full of cuddles for aunty, and seemed to be especially eager to read books, which is delightful. These boys are so special to me, i never thought being an aunty would be awesome....it's also a nice fix to any amount of baby-fever. An overnighter/mealtime with toddlers is good birth control, hah!

Ok, that's all i have for today. enjoy the new look of my blog.

Happy snow day everyone!!

just for fun

here is a light into the life of me. i thought it might be fun to list the top 25 most played songs in my itunes library. not necessarily my favorites, just played a lot.

1. Lulluby - Dixie Chicks

2. Just Breath - Pearl Jam

3. Two Coins - Dispatch

4. Out Loud - Dispatch

5. Something Beautiful - Needtobreath

6. Wagon Wheel - Old Crow Medicine Show

7. Such Great Heights - Iron and Wine

8. Angel - Jack Johnson

9. Ship Wreck - Jars of Clay

10. Amongst the Waves - Pearl Jam

11. Lucky - Jason Mraz

12. The Way It Goes - Dispatch

13. Yesterday - The Beatles

14. Won't Turn Back - Needtobreath

15. Hello Hurricane - Switchfoot

16. Stones Under Rushing Water - Needtobreath

17. Railway - Dispatch

18. Whirlwind - Dispatch

19. You are So Beautiful - Joe Cocker

20. Dream a little dream of me - Mama Cass Elliot

21. Prisoner - Needtobreath

22. Girl Named Tennessee - Needtobreath

23. Garden - Needtobreath

24. Hard To Love - Old Crow Medicine Show

25. Angel Rays - Trevor Hall

Those are from like 3 diff albums and a couple playlists that i listen to a lot lately.

k, bye!

new years resolution

haha, these are lame, and my sarcasm will prevail.

for my 2011 resolution i am going on a diet. i will be restricting myself to caffeine and loneliness. Should be awake and single by this time next year, if diet is successful.

some ideas:

School of Architecture and Allied Arts, University of Oregon

United States Peace Corps

Hippie

Massage Therapy

--(this is an actual consideration, and completely unrelated to my current academia, which qualifies me as crazy)

professional barista

lady that reads children's books to kids at the library

thoughts or concerns.....just contact me

food for thought

food for thought...where the hell did that come from?...are my thoughts hungry? Well mine probably are, because I'm a chubby person, and I'm usually hungry. Haha.

Ok, my minds-a-goin....and i just need to blabber-jot.

So.....i have moments in this life, when i just want to throw my hands up in the air and surrender everything. Like, even my mind, haha. It's too much to handle. Since i guess i have to keep my mind, ill just blog through it.

Problem:

WHAT THE HECK DO I REALLY WANT TO DO IN THIS LIFE?

Problem #2:

WHAT THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING IN THIS LIFE?

Problem #3:

wtf.

So......I really like school, very much actually, and am considering further education in this area after completion of my current program. So....what's my problem?

I just want to help people! I want to do something that really matters. Like, REALLY matters! I know that by truly living with and for God, everything I practice will be good and meaningful. ..BUT........there is this weird achy feeling inside when i think about my future, and this country.

I just don't think that in this country, at this time, during OUR crisis overload, that it's completely acceptable to just 'DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!'

***follow your dreams kids, the recession can wait***

That may sound hopeless or dark, or just dumb, but it's how i feel now.

----I will just have to work through this. I feel good mostly about school. There really is a lot of 'MEANINGFUL' potential in my field of study. Maybe I can help build homes for people in real need, and help teach useful skills/trades, and hopefully all kinds of great things. Woof, too much to chew on for now.

excuse while i get lost in my latte and music. Goodnight!

icky...

So, there are things that happen in this little life i live, that i should share. To stay consistent with this 'truth project' thingy, i will expose another layer. I could easily withhold, but I just better. Maybe someday, somewhere, somehow, another person may even get something out of this. Or get a kick out of this, either way, here goes:

So....I have two ways of being about the 'relationships' subject. One way; a very confident, and secure individual, that is hopeful, but not necessarily in pursuit. The other way; strong, but not as confident, wishful more than hopeful, and slightly a little tiny bit incomplete and in constant desire.

I am currently in the latter of the above options. I try to be the first option very hard. I don't want to constantly be wanting something that is unknown. I do feel it is very much ok to desire a loving and healthy relationship. But, I strongly believe in being secure and comfortable with yourself outside of a relationship. I don't want to be in a relationship because I need/or have to be, but because i want to.

It's not a huge ordeal, and even as I write, I realize. I just hate admitting that I am freakin girly, and that I am not in control of these matters really. I feel it's unfair sometimes, when you fall for someone, when you know you shouldn't, or you think you don't want to.

Maybe I am not as secure as I thought, and that's mostly ok with me. As long as I am honest about it, I will embrace this.

I will just work on the ol' blaire bear, and do what's best for me. Someday i 'hope' a time will come. A moment will happen, and love will be. for now, ill remain a single blira facehead.

rock on