how about this for real...

so lately, i feel there has been this damn theme of recurring disappointment. i don't quite understand it, and frankly, i'm really sick of it. I'm usually pretty good at rolling with the punches, but i guess maybe not at this. Im not quite sure how to repeatedly digest this feeling.

why am i disappointed?-----because people keep letting me down.

so many lately have done a great job at communicating how un-important i am to them.

true honesty here----it hurts pretty bad. and im angry about it.

I don't feel that i am expecting more than reasonable quality from people, but maybe a cause lies there. I don't know. Even if that is part of the disappointment, i refuse to expect less from people when i believe they are capable of deliverance.

i bet a bottle or two of my favorite white would start to make me feel better, but that just doesn't seem right, for now. I need to figure out why i keep feeling this way. in all of this, i also feel overwhelmingly guilty, too. for being a gigantic disappointment to God. when i realize how fucking shitty 'man' is, i immediately remember how PERFECT and AMAZING my God is. He will never disappoint me, and will never, ever, ever let me down. He is always looking out for me. And, im probably breaking HIS heart with every worldly thought i have, and action i take. I bet he is really disappointed in me, and I am hurting him like people seem to be hurting me. probably even worse.

ok. there you go.

im real.

im broken.

and im hurting.

i have got to find a way to get passed this. i know i will, because i have hope; it just still hurts.

till next time,

sad and angry, but mostly sad