day 5

9:55 am ----JUST WOKE UP!

This is going to be a good day.  I am so glad that i got some damn sleep.  finally.  my body is grateful, and my mind is rested.

break-ups are a very strange thing.  It sure keeps my day interesting.  I mean now when i wake up, i think about what i can do to fight for a good day.  Im in a therapeutic/recovery mode.  I am constantly reflecting on things, and trying so hard not to think about the boy.

i still feel like a mess though.  and im cool with that for a while.  im a very honest person, and im not here to put on a show.  so, excuse me world, im going to be sad for a while.

i don't know why, but i feel like clarifying why im sad.  so many great people have comforted me through this, which i am soo thankful for.  however, sometimes their piece of encouragement includes 'don't worry, you will find the right one someday.'  I agree, I WILL.  but i am not sad because im afraid of being alone, or that i no longer have the security of being in a relationship.  I am fucking sad because the one single person that i want to be with and share my heart with, doesnt want to have it.  that hurts.  its simple, and clear to me that i must go on, but it really hurts.

to the boy:

i thought about sending you a message last night.  i just wanted to see how you're doing.  i need to stop that.  as selfish as you are being, i need to follow your lead.  I need to worry about myself, not you.  stop being in my mind, please. i really do hope you are doing ok, but your well-being is no longer my responsibility.  you cancelled that subscription.

ok kids, i have to go get this day before it gets me,

blaire

    

day 4: Con't.

11:57 pm.  This has been a long day.  I never thought i would say that a busy and exhausting day would be good for me.  Today was good for me.  I made it.  I am also really fricken tired, hah.

I am still battling my severed companionship, but I am feeling better and better the more the time passes.  I'm no idiot, I'm sure I'll have hard moments ahead, but I'll be good for now.

The sleep has to get better though.  I NEEEEEEED to sleep.  I HAVE to sleep.  I also took a sleeping pill (i rarely take medication) because I am desperate for some rest.  My body and mind and soul need to be eased for a bit.  That is my only choice.  That, or I will call in Jamie girl for a sleepover tomorrow night.

I will be back tomorrow.  This world-informing journal is surprisingly helpful to me.  I feel better after i write.

Goodnight

day 4

day 4: why am i awake right now?

I've been in and out of sleeping since 2:30 am. its now nearing 5 am.  I am so tired, i just need to sleep.  I have a very aggressive day ahead of me, and sleep would be a great thing to do right now.  'What ever' i suppose.  I am not just lying here feeling sorry for myself though; I am feeling sorry for myself AND everyone else that is broken right now.

last night was pretty good.  a great friend made me a meal, and made me eat it.  It was nice to just relax.

I still feel very lifted from my great circle of love.  Thank you everyone for the hugs, and phone calls, and messages, and everything.  thank you.

most of me really is starting to feel better.  the sleeping and eating scenario could use some improvement.  time will heal.  but i hope it wont take long, because i am one sleepy bitch.

to the boy:

I miss you.  I wish you were here comforting me and making me better.  but the reality is that you are what is making me sad, and causing the hurt.  why did you stop wanting me?  i tried so hard, and gave you so much of me.  you ate up my sunshine, and then excused me from your life.  asshole.  but i still miss you.


i guess this day is going to happen with me or without me, so i better just do it,

stay classy ya'll

blind-sided

sometimes the universe can be cruel, or maybe its just the people in it.  either way, here i am, pathetic, desperate and listening to sarah mclachlan.  WHAT THE FUCK?

I will just say it.  I am heart-broken, sad and hurting.  a few days ago i was very sure of something(rather someone) that no longer wants to call me theirs.  It came as a shock so big i fell completely apart.  It just kills me to know that people can cause me so much hurt.  It's not fair.  I am sad that he would choose to be without me.  I want to be with him, but this has been decided for me, and I must accept it.  I have no choice.  It hurts in my guts, and i can't even sleep to get away from it.

 I am left with the broken promise to 'treat me so good', and some cd's that i am keeping as a parting gift.  

So....in my deepest heart of hearts, i am crushed and bruised.  Strangely, i am also overwhelmingly spirited because of the amazing support i have in my life.  I had to make a retreat to home base yesterday, I just couldn't do it alone. I needed my family and friends.  They came to the rescue so heroically.  My papa and his shoulder were waiting for me as soon as i walked in.  My mom had all of the right things to say, and my friends made me laugh which took me to a happier place.  My heart is aching, my eyes are swollen, my body is exhausted, but my spirit will just not give up.  Thank you to my circle of love, for loving me back.  It means sooo much.  I feel like with them, i can make it through anything.  I love you all!    

To the universe, and the boy that doesn't love me back:

---this is a mistake, you are walking away from something so great.  I have SOOOOOOOO much fuckin love to give, you are foolish to deny it.  I trusted you with my heart, and you dropped it.  I hear your reasons, and I wish you the best.  I really do.

These last few days may be marked on the heartbreak calendar, but i won't let too many get away from me.  I will be ok.  I will be alright.

Sad for now, but alright.


goodnight~

Papa was a rolling stone...

Hey world.

I just re-read some older posts, interesting. I am not very consistent in posting, but oh well.

Here is life right now:

--back in mitchell, and excited for my last school year

--no job

--whooped it up in aberdeen for one last hooray summer 2011.

--miss my girls

--miss my boys

--car for sale--bleck!

--music..mmmm

--B.A.J.--mmm ;)

--i'm going to be 25 in a time that is around the corner

--i'm BROKE, hah

--my apartment is a disaster, but whatevs. I am on this good purging streak...cleanin out the 'crap'

--waiting for the postman

--a best friend is getting married soon

--no a/c

--a BOY has entered my scene. A real good boy.

--life, here I come!

--i need more coffee

--i miss steph

OOokay. So there is some rambly-ish info. I am feelin good (real good) about some things, and weird about others.

Cheers.

Currently listening to: Jefferson Airplane on vinyl

Sipping: room temperature french-pressed coffee

Ya Know what?

Love kinda fuckin' sucks!....sometimes

-I am in the process of getting over a relationship/break-up, and ya know what? I don't like it! I'm a big girl, I'll make it just fine. I'm not worried that I'll never find good love. I'm just in a chronic state of "uuuurrruuuuhhhhggg!" right now, got it?

-I put myself out there (when I wasn't even looking), and it didn't work. Big deal, Life goes on.

-This state of "repair" can't be all bad, right? I tried to drink it off, that didn't work. In fact, it just made me sadder. I am trying this "healthy and active" thing, but i usually chase that with chocolate and french fries. So far everything seems to be really great.

-However, my support circle has been great. I have plenty of great souls to vent to and cry to and drink with and laugh with. That helps so much.

Relationships are not all happy and fun. They require hard work, and commitment. There needs to be balance and chemistry. Intimacy and mystery. Passion and playfulness. I am no expert though.

-I guess I just ‘fell in’ and wanted it to work so badly. I’m such an ‘all-in’ kind of lover. If I’m decided that I like someone, and want to be with them, I just fall right in the deep end. My latest lover was like barely toes in the shallow end. The contrast was too big to dissolve. So we split.

It hurts. That we’ll never love again. Never engage in a long-lasting hug again. Never BE in love again.

What ever.

Cheers to moving on.

Listening to: Ray Lamontagne--God willin and the creek don't rise

spring always brings something new

So, I am only going to say a little; this is a good spring. Thank you God for always delivering us from a long and weary winter, this one especially. I always feel that along with nature, I 'come alive again' during this budding time. I am just so happy that the air is refreshing, the sun is warm, and the school days are numbered, hah. I am happy about many things these days, but I'll stick to spring for this post.

I have always loved this season. I was trying to remember if I enjoyed it so much when I was young, and I did. I remember bargaining with my mom in early spring one year, I think I was like 7 or 8. I had dug my bike out of the garage, in hopes of a liberating ride. Haha, of course my mother thought i was insane, since the sidewalks were still slushy, and it was barely spring. But it was all I needed, to be free. But back to the argument, I had dressed myself for this inaugural ride (in late march) in shorts and a t-shirt. She did pull a flag at this. We came to a compromise, instead of bare arms and legs, i had to choose either long pants with a short sleeved top, or long sleeves and shorts on bottom. I don't even remember what I chose, I just remember that it was FINALLY SPRING!

So, if you see a chubby, underdressed girl huffing and puffing the streets on an inexpensive and squeaky bike, then be sure to wave at ME!

Love ya!

how about this for real...

so lately, i feel there has been this damn theme of recurring disappointment. i don't quite understand it, and frankly, i'm really sick of it. I'm usually pretty good at rolling with the punches, but i guess maybe not at this. Im not quite sure how to repeatedly digest this feeling.

why am i disappointed?-----because people keep letting me down.

so many lately have done a great job at communicating how un-important i am to them.

true honesty here----it hurts pretty bad. and im angry about it.

I don't feel that i am expecting more than reasonable quality from people, but maybe a cause lies there. I don't know. Even if that is part of the disappointment, i refuse to expect less from people when i believe they are capable of deliverance.

i bet a bottle or two of my favorite white would start to make me feel better, but that just doesn't seem right, for now. I need to figure out why i keep feeling this way. in all of this, i also feel overwhelmingly guilty, too. for being a gigantic disappointment to God. when i realize how fucking shitty 'man' is, i immediately remember how PERFECT and AMAZING my God is. He will never disappoint me, and will never, ever, ever let me down. He is always looking out for me. And, im probably breaking HIS heart with every worldly thought i have, and action i take. I bet he is really disappointed in me, and I am hurting him like people seem to be hurting me. probably even worse.

ok. there you go.

im real.

im broken.

and im hurting.

i have got to find a way to get passed this. i know i will, because i have hope; it just still hurts.

till next time,

sad and angry, but mostly sad

An oldy

---I wrote this for my mom in December 2009 to go alongside some tree paintings I did for her living room.---

A Family Grows

A poem about family trees, or just families and trees!

Tree: a woody perennial plant with many branches stemming from one trunk.

“The tree trunk,

Solid, grounded, rooted,

Founded in the earth,

Patiently growing towards the sky.

Earth and Sky,

The tree now rooted in both,

Has branches to give life.

The branches,

Fast they grow,

Attempting to reach the sun,

They need the tree to hold them up.

Desperately needing support & growth.

The tree is always there,

Encouraging forever.

The tree lives in it’s branches,

The branches grow strong and tall.

The branches vary,

Moving in diverse directions.

The branches spread,

Far and vast,

Still connected eternally,

They will always be,

For all began life,

In the same Tree.”

snow day

hey kids! i have a snow day today, whoop---whoop!! I still have to work, but no school and sleeping in are two good things. I still got up at like 8 (because im ruined for lazy sleep-ins i guess). I made a yummy brekky, and a whole pot of coffee! A nice addition would be a cozy boy to help weather this free day with. someday they tell me.

-I just spent a weekend with two of my nephews. They crack me up. Oliver is 3, while assisting him for a 'potty break', he had a lot to say. His potty chair is against the wall in the bathroom, right across from the toilet. I took a seat on the loo, to wait for him to finish. With his pants around his ankles and his fingers tapping on his knees, he asks me "aunty, do you poop sometimes?" I died. He is full of humor in the form of irregular questions, and outrageous expressions. He keeps me entertained for sure.

-And then there is Lincoln, my sweet boy. He was full of cuddles for aunty, and seemed to be especially eager to read books, which is delightful. These boys are so special to me, i never thought being an aunty would be awesome....it's also a nice fix to any amount of baby-fever. An overnighter/mealtime with toddlers is good birth control, hah!

Ok, that's all i have for today. enjoy the new look of my blog.

Happy snow day everyone!!