ya know what? fuck.

11:28 pm.  I really don't even know where to start (probably with a doobie).  why do i feel like a mess right now?  not sure.  why does the world suck?  also not sure.

I think i just get worn out from this fucking gross world, that i forget to protect myself from it.  My guard is weakened and i let really stupid shit bother me.  which then, catapults this horseshit called depression.  its a disease that i don't recommend to anyone.  take my word, please.

when did i become so cynical?  probably around the time that i realized life is full of disappointment.  see what i did there?  the real champions are people who are good at dealing with disappointment, maybe.  i dont know. If i knew the recipe for not sucking at life, i wouldn't be crying in my bed at 11:30 on a sunday night.

unfortunately, when the disease comes back, its abrupt.  and suffocating.  it is physically hard to breath sometimes, because im so overwhelmed with sadness.  fuck you darkness.

dont get me wrong (or at least not all-of-the-way wrong), i have a lot of things in my life to reflect positively about.  I really do spend a lot of my time thinking about those things.  it kind of keeps me alive.  i have many great and wonderful people and memories and dreams to fill up my time.  but somehow this yucky shit creeps in every once-in-awhile.  i need to get better at fighting it.  it probably wouldnt hurt to get better at making smarter decisions.  haha (that does merit a laugh).

lets talk about relationships for a second.  what the fuck?  right?  im completely aware that i have made some poor decisions regarding the character of some of my partners, perhaps.  but, ya know what?  im really sick of people not treating me the way i deserve to be treated.  or maybe the world just thinks a lot less of me than i do of myself in which case im totally fucked.  at this point, im going with the prior. i am choosing to believe that i am worth the stars and moon.  hopefully i never stop believing that.  if some sorry suckers can't handle that, then scram.  because i was made to love.  the biggest and truest kind.  its the only destiny driven feature i believe about myself.  that i was made to love.  some people maybe cant handle that.  i don't know.  all i know, is that its become very hard for me to face any sort of feelings, because according to history, my heart will be the casualty.  i really dont think i can take much more.  it really wears a girl out, ya know?

how did i get here?  how did i become this person that is so flimsy?  i used to be so much stronger than i feel anymore.  

uhg.  another fucking episode of 'why am i crying?'  i need a remote so i can turn the channel, this one sucks, haha.

ok.  ive had enough of this for today.  i think im going to go and try to barf up some of my self-loathing and then try and sleep.  im so tired.  all i want to do is sleep.  that's a simple and basic request.  yet, i can't.  sometimes it feels like torture (probably because it is).

goodnight

so they say its a new year

1:17am.  I had a date tonight.  it was with myself. pretty good date.

so, I have been thinking a lot lately about making things better.  Just actually doing the things that I want to.

 I have been on a self-charging kick recently.  Like, i don't have to just make it sound good to myself to do things alone, I actually desire to.  In an honest breath, I would like companionship, but also in an honest breath, I don't need it.  I am not here to sit and wait around for something to come along.  I'm going to (try!) enjoy this damn life, whether people join me or not.  I want to remain welcoming and friendly, but i can't wait for people to buy tickets for my dreams...after all, they are my dreams.

Im saying this in an earnest manor.  not the...'i need to say this to myself so i don't feel alone and loser-ish, make myself feel better' kind.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.  

ok.  i need to take myself out on more dates.  i think im a good time.  and shit, ill still prob get to 2nd base.  tmi?  haha.

a new year, eh?  yep.  well, a resolution by vague description, is a declaration to do or not do something.  also, in the verb fashion, a resolution would be the solution to something problematic.  What are my resolutions?:

-i think im going to stop apologizing for things that i am not actually sorry about, sorry.
-I am going to work harder at my friendships, and other peoples happiness (as well as my own).
-I would like to devour the art of meditation, i could probably start by....starting
-I think im going to take a real break from unnecessary lovers....hopefully i don't dry up and die.
-I want to indulge in the little moments that really are great.  For ex: catching snow flakes on my -tongue!, cloud watching, star gazing, fresh air, truly great music...
-I want to embrace a healthier self.  emotionally, physically, spiritually.
-I'd like to laugh, at least 100 laughs in each day.
-I want humility to help me admit when im wrong....which is more often than id like to admit....
-I WILL get better at loving me again.
-I want to positively envelop solitude in the moments that I can.
-oh yeah, i should get a grown-up fucking job.  eh....we'll see hah.

ok kids, Cheers to another year.  Let's grow together, hopefully laughing A LOT along the way.

I bid my love to those whom call me theirs.  thank you all, for helping me figure this life shit out.  I hope you know you are appreciated.

Love,
B  

  

...love letter to myself

2:12 a.m.  this song struck at an old wound.  but sometimes youve just gotta deal with shit.  by yourself, in the dark, in your room, in the middle of the night.  i still have shit.  lots of it.  But this song was inspiring.  like a romantic anthem i can sing to my future self.  I think if there is ever a chance of being able to handle myself loving another 'one' again,  I first need to fall back in love with myself.

its like, can i just throw a fucking wrench in the gears that are dulling my soul?  just give the devil the bird, and go on with my hippy-go-happy life.

When i listen to this song, here is the video in my mind:

Me (current):  sad and broken walking through a statue park.  Desperately trying to find myself, and trying not to drown.  Seeing a light glowing.  The light is coming from either my reflection, or from my future self.  its a future me, Presented in full love and full light.  Its refreshing to know it can be that way again.  This song is like a plea and promise that I wont let that future me down.  I have to make it to the light again.  I can't let the light down.  I have to try with every breath and every tear,  to keep my promise.

I won't let you down
no, i won't let you down  

a love letter...

2:04 a.m. Lyrics:---"I Wont Let You Down," Alex Clare....album title: 'the lateness of the hour'

Just another grey autumn day
You're the sunshine trying to break through
No I never imagined that my path would lead to you
A look in your eyes as they met mine
Seem to say we're the same
In so many ways
Though we're worlds apart
I will promise you

I won't let you down
No I won't let you down

There are so many reasons to keep us apart
But it won't stop me losing
My mind or my heart
What would I give
To touch your hand
Oh just feel your skin
I'd breathe you in
Could this ever be
You'll be next to me

No I won't let you down
No I won't let you down

I know myself so well
But I've never been here before
You're just out of my reach
But I will be here
Of that you can be sure
Can be sure

It's another grey autumn day
You're the sunshine trying to break through
I can only imagine that I'm walking with you
I realise if you were mine
We may fall apart
Oh you'd have my heart
There's too many things between you and me

No I won't let you down
No I won't let you down
No I won't I won't let you down
No I won't let you down
No I won't I won't let you down
No I won't I won't let you down
No I won't I won't let you down
No I won't let you down

sometimes it comes back

2:09 a.m.  actually woke from sleeping and cried.  hmmm.  this heart of mine.  i wonder what is going on in there....or maybe i don't, because the truth could be more awful than the mystery.

i am haunted by sadness.

so a while ago, in my lowest of lows, a darkness unwelcomely crashed my normal happy self.  this darkness shit is some scary stuff.  Im laying here wondering what is wrong with me.  why do i keep thinking all of this bad stuff?

darkness, you are a sneaky bastard, and i hate you.  its like sitting around waiting for me to feel weak about myself, and then STRIKE, there goes the sadness bomb.  I don't know exactly when i stopped loving myself,  but i think it happened.  I sure wish i could figure out how i became this lonely mess of a self-hating human. I can tell you now, this is a slippery slope to climb, and its suffocating.

physically, its hard to breath sometimes because i am so sad.  and then i feel pathetic for being so sad.  so goes the cycle.

for the most part i thought i was doing much better.  but this shit has been creeping up on me lately, and i wonder if any of the emotional progress was fictional or actual.  Its just really hard.  ok?  Its hard for me to be honest with myself too.  because if i admit this to myself, then it is in fact a real problem.  And at this point, i don't know how to fight this problem.  It just keeps striking, and i feel defenseless.  my usual weaponry seems ineffective.  I guess the biggest thing that helps is thinking about all of the people that i know that love me, even if i can't really love myself right now.  this stuff is just so heavy, and its the darkest road ive ever been down before.  im not sure what to do exactly.

what is going to happen if it keeps getting harder to breath?  I just really need a rainbow right now.  i need to find a way to get out of this desolate shit-hole of a 'place.'  I don't like it here.

God, please help me.  my heart is weeping for help.  i cant do this alone.  just take my hand and lead me please, because this darkness is so consuming.  i dont know what i need to do to make things right between us, but please don't leave me here.  i cant do it alone. right now is a scary place.  hopefully tomorrow is better.  i need an angel i think.  to hold my hand.  for every moment, of every day.  forever.  so this darkness will back down.  please send an angel, i don't want to be alone anymore.

darkness, i fucking hate you.  quit swallowing me alive.  just go away, you are not welcome in my life, in my heart, or in my body.  i will overcome you.  i have no choice.        

uhhhg!

10:42 pm.

ya know what?  Im angry.  my heart is really pissed off at the people that have hurt me.  this is a feeling i usually don't entertain, because how productive is it to sit around and be pissed off?  but, right now, im indulging a little.  im not steaming out of my nose angry, but angry nonetheless.

im just sick of people taking my heart for granted.  im sure im painting the fucking kettle black, because i am human too; but right now its my pitty party.  i am not sure how to even explain why im angry.  i just am.  i am mad at the people that i have tried to love, but didn't want my love.  'the one' that let me go late last year.....i was surely over that.  but a little yuckyness just surfaced.

i am a giant moron and creeped his facebook.  nice to see he has completely moved on and found a 'wonderful girlfriend.'.......NOT!  what the fuck dude?  well, she's probably not as cool as i am at least.  i dont want to be bothered by this.  i don't want him to have any effect over me at all.  i don't want to be bitter, but maybe its actually ok to let it out every once in a while.  do i want him to be happy?   sure.  does he deserve to be happy? yes. everyone does.  so i should just let it be.

ok.  i will.  i am still angry tho.  and i am sooo sick of spending my feelings on people that dont deserve them.  it is also pretty clear to me to be a little angry at myself.  i am know that i get a little zealous in the 'free love' dept.  i just want to believe in people sooooooo much.  is that a crime?  but man, when people let me down, it really gets me down.  disappointment from people i care about is a very hard thing for me to digest.  it really hurts me.  and i am positive that i am completely guilty of hurting people that love me too.  its just the human condition i suppose.  but i will not start expecting less from people. not if i believe they are capable of the challenge.  i would rather be disappointed than to stop believing in the ones i love.  i hope people don't stop believing for the most from me.

dreams last so long...

I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far from where I've been
I got my eggs I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you.
I break the yolks, make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore' cause

[Chorus:]
Dreams last so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy or I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause

[Chorus]

I go about my business, I'm doing fine
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken, everyday.
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up. Turn the sheets down.
And then I take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause

[Chorus]

Yeah... You were meant for me and I was meant for you.

"you were meant for me"---Jewel

a little harrison for a fun friday

My sweet lord
Hm, my lord
Hm, my lord

I really want to see you
Really want to be with you
Really want to see you lord
But it takes so long, my lord

My sweet lord
Hm, my lord
Hm, my lord

I really want to know you
Really want to go with you
Really want to show you lord
That it won't take long, my lord (hallelujah)

My sweet lord (hallelujah)
Hm, my lord (hallelujah)
My sweet lord (hallelujah)

I really want to see you
Really want to see you
Really want to see you, lord
Really want to see you, lord
But it takes so long, my lord (hallelujah)

My sweet lord (hallelujah)
Hm, my lord (hallelujah)
My, my, my lord (hallelujah)

I really want to know you (hallelujah)
Really want to go with you (hallelujah)
Really want to show you lord (aaah)
That it won't take long, my lord (hallelujah)

Hmm (hallelujah)
My sweet lord (hallelujah)
My, my, lord (hallelujah)


----My Sweet Lord---George Harrison

another chapter, closed.

also...

This should be every girl's anthem:




Every time i turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather i can feel you all but shuttin' down.
And when i need an explanation for the silence you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.

Bridge: 1
What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear we're at a crossroads here...

Chorus:
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone

Verse 2:
With you i've always been wide open like a window or an ocean. there is nothing i've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin' i start thinkin' that we're lookin' we're lookin' at goodbye.

Bridge 2:
How about a strong shot of honesty don't you owe that to me...

Chorus:
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.

Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.

If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then i guess we're done let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.