icky...

So, there are things that happen in this little life i live, that i should share. To stay consistent with this 'truth project' thingy, i will expose another layer. I could easily withhold, but I just better. Maybe someday, somewhere, somehow, another person may even get something out of this. Or get a kick out of this, either way, here goes:

So....I have two ways of being about the 'relationships' subject. One way; a very confident, and secure individual, that is hopeful, but not necessarily in pursuit. The other way; strong, but not as confident, wishful more than hopeful, and slightly a little tiny bit incomplete and in constant desire.

I am currently in the latter of the above options. I try to be the first option very hard. I don't want to constantly be wanting something that is unknown. I do feel it is very much ok to desire a loving and healthy relationship. But, I strongly believe in being secure and comfortable with yourself outside of a relationship. I don't want to be in a relationship because I need/or have to be, but because i want to.

It's not a huge ordeal, and even as I write, I realize. I just hate admitting that I am freakin girly, and that I am not in control of these matters really. I feel it's unfair sometimes, when you fall for someone, when you know you shouldn't, or you think you don't want to.

Maybe I am not as secure as I thought, and that's mostly ok with me. As long as I am honest about it, I will embrace this.

I will just work on the ol' blaire bear, and do what's best for me. Someday i 'hope' a time will come. A moment will happen, and love will be. for now, ill remain a single blira facehead.

rock on

merry freakin' christmas

Hey kids. It's late december, and I am home on christmas break. I have survived another holiday with the exceptionally colorful Dingers(we are a sub-casual kind). this is a success. In response, it was a very good christmas for the family. Everyone able was there, and no fights. Good thing there was booze. --Haha, but not for me, i was still recovering from my turning-24-celebration. If you were there to help me celebrate, thank you. You will have to name yourself, because I don't remember much, haha.--I do love my family. Not a perfect clan, but very much to offer. #1, entertainment to outsiders. I've been told that our banter would make a great script. we shall however, remain for now unscripted and hilarious. Hilarious---rediculous......same, same. I think its my age, or position in life (even though i'm totally single) but i am always taking notes about my family. There are soo many things i really love about all of them. And some not soo much, haha. But, we are a very honest, very open crowd that isn't afraid of a good laugh. usually at someone's expense. We are communication strong, and laughter heavy. I want a fun and happy family of my own someday!

It's so nice to have a break from school for a few days. I am working tho, that part isn't delightful. Not because I hate that job, but I am just so drained, I wish i could just drink coffee and journal all day. Oh, and browse career options for after school.

I have decided (which if you know me is always open for adjustment) that after school, i want to spend some time somewhere exciting. I would love to live in the upper West coast. I daydream of a life by mountains and sea. I am going to begin looking for short-term courses/programs about design, or green building in the oregon/washington region. That is a vast region, so i better get busy. I would love to hear any suggestions too!

Ok, that is all for this post.

bfjklewosw

a random post:

I feel weird, like physically, haha. Allergy medicine has this effect on me, kinda feel drunk, so i guess its not too bad.

I don't have anything specific to write about; so Ill just blab my mind wander.

I really should be packing up my crap right now, but im a lazy biotch, so I am not yet.

School....hmmm....school is good. I really like my program. I love that I am learning all kinds of things everyday. It will be interesting to see where I go with this education. I think about it all of the time.

I had a missed call tonight from an ex. and last night i was uploading pictures from my cam. and there were pics of us on there. thats two nights in a row that this bastard is stealing my mind. Actually, I have been haunted by two ex's lately. That's not fair. you boys suck, and stay away, haha. I sure hope that I am done dating clowns. I know that only speaks to my taste in dudes, but for at least the mentioning, they sought me out. I guess i attract clowns. sweet. everyone's gotta be good at something.

ok......well...on a short side note....i think im going to back up and pitch a teepee in a peaceful socialist nation somewhere. just sayin.

now...on to a mention of a serious topic in the blaire mind/heart. or is it a heart/mind. Either way, I have been mulling over the state of the 'church' for a while now. I want to be careful in how i express myself, mostly because, I don't know exactly how I feel. I just feel really weird, and disconnected with the body of christ right now. At least in this country i do.

--- Fact: I LOVE JESUS WITH ALL THAT I AM! Fact: I WANT TO FOLLOW HIS VOICE IN MY EVERYDAY LIFE. Fact: I FEEL REALLY CRAPPY WITH THE CHURCH. Fact: I AM DOING NOTHING TO CHANGE IT.

---I just need to start figuring this stuff out. I do want to be a part of a healthy and active Jesus movement. and I want it to be soo REAL. In fact, i want it to be the realist thing i ever accomplish. I think a major part of my illness with the church is the hipocracy and the FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE, FAKE BULLSHIT! I am not perfect, and i need to remember that everyday. the church is not perfect, and i cannot expect that. I just feel so damn uncomfortable with it. Like, and actual illness, it makes me feel sick inside, the horrible misrepresentation of my savior. I feel like some churches should be called "its all about me/us" club instead. --I know i am completely guilty, and that's why its so wierd to work through. I am fake, i am selfish, really, im pretty awful. i am human. I can talk more about this some other time. I just wanted to at least make a start. I am not writing this to just shame the church. i earnestly want to figure out my qualms with this church, and even find my way back into a worshipping family. I just need to spend some time in prayer and thought. Jesus, please unveil some wisdom to me in this!

--I appreciate feedback, and I am very open to discussion. I have been churning for a while, and want to make progress, and be proactive.

----happy thanksgiving ya'll ....my three favorite blessings this year: (and they are all 3-years-old and younger)

1. Oliver Ryan

2. William Robert

3. Lincoln James

***Thanks for being awesome***

Before I Hit the Can...

I was chatting last night with a delightful friend and 'bucket lists' came up. I decided to be inspired and write my own. I have not actually done this before. I have done various sessions of goal-writting, but never plain old, 'before I die....i want to:'

So, here it goes, and for now in random order:

In My LifeTime, I would like to:

1. Somehow make an appearance on a home show(ex: DIY network, HGTV...)..or just star in my own freakin show!

2. Write a cookbook

3. Write a book about my life and adventures, in complete comedic form, hah!

4. Be in Love, the good stuff ya know!

5. Do more crazy shit!

6. get to a debt-free point

7. master the art of coffee-making

8. take part in a 'survival-and-be-wild-in-nature' thingy

9. Travel to all continents....and meet all kinds of people

10. Learn a second language (at this point, Id choose either Portuguese, or Latin)

11. Have a baby!

12. Build my own house

13. Swim in many seas

14. Visit the Holy land

15. Write/perform a song

16. Complete a half-triathlon

17. Attend a world-cup game in another country

18. Go on an Alaskan Cruise

19. Go to a vineyard and help make wine

20. Go on a road trip via motorcycle(and with a hot babe)

21. Read TONS more poetry

22. Write a children's book and/or series

23. Be hosted in a gallery to display my creative works

24. Have my own gallery to display other's creative works

25. Go white-water-rafting

26. Try exotic foods

27. Grow and maintain my own garden

28. Carve something into a tree

29. Show God's love, and have people feel it

30. Hike up a big, tall mountain, and scream something from the top

31. Help people

ok...that's a start. ill keep adding.

if...

if i won the lottery right now, i would quit my job and stay in school. i might also invest in a personal masseuse.

soul music

Top 10, dead or alive....or again!

1. The Beatles

2. Queen

3. Tom Petty (again!)

4. Simon and Garfunkel

5. Micheal Jackson

6. Dispatch

7. Stevie Wonder

8. Hootie and the Blowfish

9. Creedence Clearwater Revival

10. Jon Foreman (with or without switchfoot)

I have been working on perfecting this list for a while now. The only changes I would make is to make it longer. Feel free to comment back with your top 5's or 10's.

first day of school!

Hey kids. Today is my first day of school. I am embarking on a new program, in a new town! I am really excited. The program is Architectural Design/Building Construction. I am a minority in the class being one of maybe two girls, and one of maybe two non-traditional students. It should be interesting. I am ready to learn. I want to use what God gave me to do something sweet in this life. So, I will use my creativity to design, and my hands to build.

I feel like I should have a picture of me standing in the doorway with my backpack on, sneakers laced and smile cheesy. I'll see what I can do (would have to be a timer self-portrait cause my only roommate is a plant named Carlysle and he isn't very good at taking pictures)!

First day of school since 2005. here we go.

listening to: Jon Foreman

drinking: fresh ground/brewed percolator coffee

sooo many blessings

a little journaling, for me to write and you to read.

now playing: song: she's electric - oasis, up next on my 'spring fever 2010' playlist is Waltz into me - Hootie and the Blowfish

Location: Red Rooster Coffee House, aberdeen, south dakota, usa, earth, world.

Outfit: Denim Bermudas with Green shirt and flip flops.

Drinking: Iced Mocha with a little almond and coconut (almond joy mocha), with skim milk and and an extra shot of espresso.

wishing for: my best friend, and more days off work.

Thankful for: MANY MANY THINGS!

Ok, Ill start with that, what im thankful for. I really have sooooo many things to be thankful for right now. Blessings of many things for my upcoming adventure. This includes a school and program that I am really excited about an apartment to live in, a job to work at, and great people to support me in it all.

What else am I thankful for? Good friends, and GOOOOOOD family. I think I should make a word that incorporates friends and family into a unified group of people. Framily? Fremds? I'll work on it. But, what I am getting at is that I have soooooooo many good people in my life. I have a great God-Given-Blood-Family (God Bless the Dingers hah). But there are soo many other families that have taken me in as honorary members. Like, I feel as though I belong with them. I am soo thankful to have that. Some people hardly like or stay active in their own families, and I have like a handful of extra families, It's really nice. Thank you to the families that Love on the Blaire.

Here is a shout out: Dingers - thanks for always being there, and for being so damn colorful. You're mine forever! Sorensens - I love spending time with you, and always leave feeling warmer and encouraged. You Mean a lot to me! Moslanders - I have always felt like another part of your family, that I just fit right in. Robin, you were something so special to me when I really needed it years back. Thank You. Hilgemanns - My first 'second' family haha. Thanks for including me in so much, and opening your family up to me. I love you all! Slabbs/Gibsons (my Aussie family) - You all ROCK! You welcomed me and took me in. Thank You soo much for everything. I look forward to coming to see you all again....REALLLLLLY SOOOON I HOPE! Auntie Blaire Loves you. Lovriens - it's always a pleasure to come over and visit. You are a great family, and thank you thank you thank you for the fabulous trip to DISNEYWORLD!!! Schlotters - a serious 'second family.' I feel like you are my family, and I am part of yours. Thank you for everything and I look forward to all the years to come together!

Wow, that's a lot for a girl to be thankful for! I think it's important to take time to reflect on the things that you've been blessed with. I really hope that I am living in a way that reflects my gratitude for all of the good things in my life. I should be.

Ok, I think Ill close out this post, and maybe write more later, about some other things.

Go and be thankful!

Blaire

some lyrics

he put it in the bottle and he threw it out to sea
but the tide would not surrender and it floated to the beach
so the message of apology his love would never see
he walked around that island all shipwrecked, and heavy

the scars of early childhood stood showing on the skin
necessary enemy so healing could begin
from the message of apology his heart might soon break free
for now he walks that island all shipwrecked, and ready

low beyond horizon lines across the salty sea
a boat without a captain makes its way to some city
he prays that it would sail its course to lover or to kin
and fan a thirst for searching and finding him again

finding him again
finding him again

'Shipwrecked' by Jars of Clay

ooh

wait.

one more thing that I'm sure of.

Risk.

I'm ready.

For living, and learning, and loving.

Goodnight~