2:09 am. i.don't.know.what.to.do.
i am not ok.
i can't kid myself. any forward movement i have felt hasn't been very genuine. i am just desperate for any consolation. i have received consolation, but it just can't hold me up. im falling. i can't stop it. this is dark. im so sad. im confused about so many things. i feel alone.
to the boy:
WHAT DID I DO? what the hell happened? i really thought that you were in this with me. I AM NOT CRAZY for believing this. why can't you tell me everything?
---where did this darkness come from, and why won't it leave me? i am crying out for help, but who is hearing me? really?
this hurts. im lost. nothing is working, really.
i.don't.know.what.to.do.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
it still aches
4:43 am. I have already been awake for an hour. the 3 - 4 am block is usually when i wake up and become consumed by my loss.
part of me thinks about how im reacting and feels silly that i can't seem to get better.
i just want to wake up from this bad dream, and roll over back into your arms. but this isn't a bad dream. its just bad. you and your arms don't want me. but its so hard to believe.
why is it hard to believe? because i can't stop remembering all of the great moments. the moments that were so melty that i found it hard to breath-in and breath-out. i guess you never had trouble breathing, huh?
part of me really believes that you did love me, or you wanted to, but just couldn't. maybe your 'loving' parts are wounded, and didn't get fixed before we got together. i don't know. maybe i only think that because its strangely comforting.
its all just rubbish now anyway. im waiting for the garbage man to come along and take this far away from me.
i want to be ready to just move on. to actively go forward to healthier and better things. these early moments, they're dark and sneaky. I find it hard to 'snap out' when im lying in bed at 4am and no one is there to tell me to 'stop dwelling on it.'
its not so much the falling asleep part that is hard, but the waking up part that sends me backwards. i think its because the best part of spending nights with you was waking up right next to you. it was so special to wake up next to you, knowing that i cared deeply for you, and that i thought really cared for me too. when i got to wake up with you it made me feel so comforted, knowing that i'd get to spend that day knowing that i wasn't alone. that i got to share my heart with you, and that you'd receive it.
you say that you didn't 'accept' my heart. but you did. at least a little you did. don't deny it, please.
i dont know how you 'turned' this all off. but somehow you must have. obviously i have way more to 'turn' off, but you had to have had enough to hold on as long as you did. so where did you put all of your melty memories? where did you put my love? why didn't you want it? why didn't you try harder? what are you not telling me?
when will i run out of tears? boy does that sound terrible. my pathetic-ness is starting to disgust even me. but its honest. you say that you have been honest, well how about all of this for honest? this is honest with a side of raw and desperate.
i must stitch this shut. somehow. cauterization must be the only way. now how to singe it closed, i don't know.
part of me thinks about how im reacting and feels silly that i can't seem to get better.
i just want to wake up from this bad dream, and roll over back into your arms. but this isn't a bad dream. its just bad. you and your arms don't want me. but its so hard to believe.
why is it hard to believe? because i can't stop remembering all of the great moments. the moments that were so melty that i found it hard to breath-in and breath-out. i guess you never had trouble breathing, huh?
part of me really believes that you did love me, or you wanted to, but just couldn't. maybe your 'loving' parts are wounded, and didn't get fixed before we got together. i don't know. maybe i only think that because its strangely comforting.
its all just rubbish now anyway. im waiting for the garbage man to come along and take this far away from me.
i want to be ready to just move on. to actively go forward to healthier and better things. these early moments, they're dark and sneaky. I find it hard to 'snap out' when im lying in bed at 4am and no one is there to tell me to 'stop dwelling on it.'
its not so much the falling asleep part that is hard, but the waking up part that sends me backwards. i think its because the best part of spending nights with you was waking up right next to you. it was so special to wake up next to you, knowing that i cared deeply for you, and that i thought really cared for me too. when i got to wake up with you it made me feel so comforted, knowing that i'd get to spend that day knowing that i wasn't alone. that i got to share my heart with you, and that you'd receive it.
you say that you didn't 'accept' my heart. but you did. at least a little you did. don't deny it, please.
i dont know how you 'turned' this all off. but somehow you must have. obviously i have way more to 'turn' off, but you had to have had enough to hold on as long as you did. so where did you put all of your melty memories? where did you put my love? why didn't you want it? why didn't you try harder? what are you not telling me?
when will i run out of tears? boy does that sound terrible. my pathetic-ness is starting to disgust even me. but its honest. you say that you have been honest, well how about all of this for honest? this is honest with a side of raw and desperate.
i must stitch this shut. somehow. cauterization must be the only way. now how to singe it closed, i don't know.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
this program continues...
12:10 pm. just sitting here waiting for my mom to finish drying her hair so we can go to lunch. i decided today i just better DO something to help this stupid situation.
todays attempted remedy: lipstick and healed boots; and hey! i even curled my damn hair. we'll see. i'll probably throw a decent cup of coffee in there to keep it interesting.
well...wednesday, let's do this.
todays attempted remedy: lipstick and healed boots; and hey! i even curled my damn hair. we'll see. i'll probably throw a decent cup of coffee in there to keep it interesting.
well...wednesday, let's do this.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
and here i sit
10:01 am. last day of school. that is a relief. i don't know how much more i could do. a break is needed.
at this very moment, right where i am sitting; this is what i am feeling. that it would be strange to run into him, and not run up and hug him, because my heart would be delighted in his presence. like this whole thing is surreal and didn't happen. because when you love someone, its all happy right? NOT right.
this is just my present moment. i am completely aware of the reality here, it is 100% over. and with my wounded heart, i don't think i'd be able to hug him if i saw him. all i would do is melt into a sad puddle of tears and hurt.
guess what. i had only one very specific thing to say to this boy, and i put myself in the face of rejection one final time so that i could say it. i didn't say it. i couldn't. he wouldn't have wanted to take it with him anyway. this kills me.
i have ONE role in this broken world that is my most important job, EVER. to love the people of my heart with my whole self. im not saying im really good at it, just saying that i have to do it. that is how my soul works. i just NEED to love. granted, it's nice when i am loved back, but its not pivotal.
i feel as though i am suspended in a deep pain. there are hands there, trying to help me (and they are) but there isn't really anything structural around me. only hurting.
im sure this sounds strange, or cheesy, but i think i can feel my heart weeping. like there is a drip of sadness in there, and its leaking out. actually it is leaking out. my physical body is reacting in negative ways to this. i feel like shit, and i look like shit. and i still can't sleep (getting very annoyed).
even though i mostly feel that im wading in a well of hurt, i sometimes don't.
i have had moments of great resilience amidst this horse shit. this will not take me down. im not ok. someday soon hopefully i will be, but i know it's not now. i can live with that i suppose. that soon enough i will be healthier and happier than i am right now. well, healthier at least.
there is a very strange and brave beauty in pain.
so here is the outline:
--i am: sad, hurting, longing, needing, missing and still loving
--i need: sleep, closure, sleep, time and sleep
--i want: clarity, healing, sleep and rest
--i will: be ok. i may even be better
that is all for now, good day~
at this very moment, right where i am sitting; this is what i am feeling. that it would be strange to run into him, and not run up and hug him, because my heart would be delighted in his presence. like this whole thing is surreal and didn't happen. because when you love someone, its all happy right? NOT right.
this is just my present moment. i am completely aware of the reality here, it is 100% over. and with my wounded heart, i don't think i'd be able to hug him if i saw him. all i would do is melt into a sad puddle of tears and hurt.
guess what. i had only one very specific thing to say to this boy, and i put myself in the face of rejection one final time so that i could say it. i didn't say it. i couldn't. he wouldn't have wanted to take it with him anyway. this kills me.
i have ONE role in this broken world that is my most important job, EVER. to love the people of my heart with my whole self. im not saying im really good at it, just saying that i have to do it. that is how my soul works. i just NEED to love. granted, it's nice when i am loved back, but its not pivotal.
i feel as though i am suspended in a deep pain. there are hands there, trying to help me (and they are) but there isn't really anything structural around me. only hurting.
im sure this sounds strange, or cheesy, but i think i can feel my heart weeping. like there is a drip of sadness in there, and its leaking out. actually it is leaking out. my physical body is reacting in negative ways to this. i feel like shit, and i look like shit. and i still can't sleep (getting very annoyed).
even though i mostly feel that im wading in a well of hurt, i sometimes don't.
i have had moments of great resilience amidst this horse shit. this will not take me down. im not ok. someday soon hopefully i will be, but i know it's not now. i can live with that i suppose. that soon enough i will be healthier and happier than i am right now. well, healthier at least.
there is a very strange and brave beauty in pain.
so here is the outline:
--i am: sad, hurting, longing, needing, missing and still loving
--i need: sleep, closure, sleep, time and sleep
--i want: clarity, healing, sleep and rest
--i will: be ok. i may even be better
that is all for now, good day~
Thursday, December 15, 2011
...
4:25 pm. more lyrics yet...
Well you're gone, you're gone away
I'll never see the light, see the light of day
Well you're gone, you're gone for good
I'll never treat you right, treat you like I should
You know you left me empty-handed
You know you left me feeling stranded
You know I hurt so bad inside
You know it's eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
Yesterday and the day before
You came knocking, knocking at my door
Now those good old days are gone
And I just got to carry, got to carry on (yeah)
You know you left me empty-handed
You know you left me feeling stranded
You know I hurt so bad inside
You know it's eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
---"stranded" - Slackstring
Well you're gone, you're gone away
I'll never see the light, see the light of day
Well you're gone, you're gone for good
I'll never treat you right, treat you like I should
You know you left me empty-handed
You know you left me feeling stranded
You know I hurt so bad inside
You know it's eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
Yesterday and the day before
You came knocking, knocking at my door
Now those good old days are gone
And I just got to carry, got to carry on (yeah)
You know you left me empty-handed
You know you left me feeling stranded
You know I hurt so bad inside
You know it's eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
---"stranded" - Slackstring
day 12
3:31 pm. some more lyrics...
Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never do you no harm
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I beg you
Don't ever leave me alone
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly fell down and died
Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly fell down and died
Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never let you down
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never do you no harm
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I beg you
Don't ever leave me alone
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly fell down and died
Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly fell down and died
Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never let you down
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
-----i think the beatles have a song for every occasion. right now for my longing heart.
--"oh darling" - the beatles
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
day 11
10:22 pm. ive been thinking.
it is my heart, and my love. and i can give it to whom i feel is worthy, and under whatever circumstances im agreeable with. i want to give him my love. i want to be his friend. i want to fight for him. i havn't talked to him, and it's killing me. at this point, im not asking for love back. its enough for me to give it. my heart is crying because i love him, and i want him to know. there is no calendar or stopwatch attached to my heart. if i love you, then i love you. simple. it doesn't take a certain amount of time for me. it just happens. and i love him, and i can't stop it.
im certain i sound crazy to the world. that is perfectly ok with me, because im pretty sure i operate different than the world anyway. and also i don't give a shit.
if he doesn't want my love; really, fully and truly, then i will walk away. that is my declaration. that will be my mark to go my own way (along with stevie nicks). my heart will have to heal, and my soul will need liberty.
but i have to try. in spite of my hurting heart, all that matters to me is for him to know that i care about him soo much. he really is worthy, and he should know it. what he does with that is up to him.
all you have to do is take it. take my love. you don't even have to talk to me, if you don't want to. but please take my love with you, wherever you go. if you want my forgiveness, ask. i am exposed and raw. but you are worth it. know that. please.
it is my heart, and my love. and i can give it to whom i feel is worthy, and under whatever circumstances im agreeable with. i want to give him my love. i want to be his friend. i want to fight for him. i havn't talked to him, and it's killing me. at this point, im not asking for love back. its enough for me to give it. my heart is crying because i love him, and i want him to know. there is no calendar or stopwatch attached to my heart. if i love you, then i love you. simple. it doesn't take a certain amount of time for me. it just happens. and i love him, and i can't stop it.
im certain i sound crazy to the world. that is perfectly ok with me, because im pretty sure i operate different than the world anyway. and also i don't give a shit.
if he doesn't want my love; really, fully and truly, then i will walk away. that is my declaration. that will be my mark to go my own way (along with stevie nicks). my heart will have to heal, and my soul will need liberty.
but i have to try. in spite of my hurting heart, all that matters to me is for him to know that i care about him soo much. he really is worthy, and he should know it. what he does with that is up to him.
all you have to do is take it. take my love. you don't even have to talk to me, if you don't want to. but please take my love with you, wherever you go. if you want my forgiveness, ask. i am exposed and raw. but you are worth it. know that. please.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
and so on...
9:59 am. i am not ready to let go. i am not ok. i wish time would stop. i want to talk to him.
he wont talk to me. i can't give up. i wont.
there has to be a way.
he wont talk to me. i can't give up. i wont.
there has to be a way.
some lyrics
I'm gonna make a chicken gumbo
Toss some sausage in the pot
I'm gonna flavor it with okra
CAYENNE pepper to make it hot
You know life is what we make of it
So beautiful or so what
I'm gonna tell my kids a bedtime story
A play without a plot
Will it have a happy ending?
Maybe yeah, Maybe not
I tell them life is what you make of it
So beautiful or so what
So beautiful, so beautiful
So what
I'm just a raindrop in a bucket
A coin DROPPED in a slot
I am an empty house on Weed Street
Across the road from a vacant lot
You know life is what you make of it
So beautiful or so what
Aint it strange the way we're ignorant
How we seek out bad advice
How we jigger it and figure it
Mistaking value for the price
And play a game with time and Love
Like a pair of rolling dice
So beautiful, so beautiful
So what
Four men on the balcony
Overlooking the parking lot
Pointing at a figure in the distance
Dr. King has just been shot
And the sirens long melody
Singing savior pass me not
Aint it strange the way we're ignorant
How we seek out bad advice
How we jigger it and figure it
Mistaking value for the price
And play a game with time and love
Like a pair of rolling dice
So beautiful, so beautiful
So what
---Paul Simon
Toss some sausage in the pot
I'm gonna flavor it with okra
CAYENNE pepper to make it hot
You know life is what we make of it
So beautiful or so what
I'm gonna tell my kids a bedtime story
A play without a plot
Will it have a happy ending?
Maybe yeah, Maybe not
I tell them life is what you make of it
So beautiful or so what
So beautiful, so beautiful
So what
I'm just a raindrop in a bucket
A coin DROPPED in a slot
I am an empty house on Weed Street
Across the road from a vacant lot
You know life is what you make of it
So beautiful or so what
Aint it strange the way we're ignorant
How we seek out bad advice
How we jigger it and figure it
Mistaking value for the price
And play a game with time and Love
Like a pair of rolling dice
So beautiful, so beautiful
So what
Four men on the balcony
Overlooking the parking lot
Pointing at a figure in the distance
Dr. King has just been shot
And the sirens long melody
Singing savior pass me not
Aint it strange the way we're ignorant
How we seek out bad advice
How we jigger it and figure it
Mistaking value for the price
And play a game with time and love
Like a pair of rolling dice
So beautiful, so beautiful
So what
---Paul Simon
Sunday, December 11, 2011
day 8
10:36am.
this is desperate. but this is what i want.
please come rescue me from this. put your arms around me and say that we can figure this out. my aching heart is swelled with tear-covered hope that you would reconsider. let me back in, and let me love you. PLEASE.
this is desperate. but this is what i want.
please come rescue me from this. put your arms around me and say that we can figure this out. my aching heart is swelled with tear-covered hope that you would reconsider. let me back in, and let me love you. PLEASE.
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