day 7

10:13 am.  last night.  it was fun at the beginning.  but it ended bad.  i revisited square one, and the pain came back.

since i can't really sleep, i figured i'd give booze a shot to help remedy this shit and to just fucking get away from myself for a bit.  backfire!  that was a bad idea.  i cut myself off after a handful of beers, but that was plenty.  i want my best friend here soo bad.  she would know exactly what to do.  no one else does.  i need her, bad.    

i feel really pathetic.  like i should just be able to move on and get over it, and stop feeling sorry for myself.  you know its bad when your own pity is annoying you.

this is messy, and i guess its just going to be for a while.

on my way home yesterday, i was thinking(which is ALL i can do lately) about the boy.  i feel like maybe there is more to the story.  maybe he is fighting something bigger than himself.  maybe there are more reasons.  if he is up against dark shit, why didn't he let me help?  i would have.  i can't make someone happy, but i would've been there to help him find his own happiness.  why won't you let me be with you?

if he is hurting from bigger things, then maybe i shouldn't give up.  maybe he needs me to keep fighting.  then i remember how bad im hurting, and it's because of him.  so maybe he needs to be all alone.  that's what he set up for himself, so it must be what he wants.

i don't fight alone.  and im not ashamed to admit that i need the help of my circle to win my battles.

when will i wake up and this will all be better?  im not trying to sound dramatic, but i know that eventually ill just stop caring, and move on.  HURRY UP!

im hoping that today can maybe go better.  im sick of myself. of my own tears.  of being pathetic and desperate.

yep, cheers to fucking heart ache.

    

day 6:

11:19 am.  today is a step-backwards.  i feel 'icky' again.  just a little disgusted about the whole thing.  no appetite, not enough rest.  uhhhg.

i bet he hasn't even thought at all about how hard i tried to keep our relationship lifted.  i haven't unpacked my fricken toothbrush since august.  i have been willing to travel and work hard for this, because I AM A FIGHTER.  he is not.

my mom was consoling me and telling me nice things, and she said that maybe he would change his mind, and come back.  i said, mom, no! he won't because he isn't a fighter.  i guess i can't be tied to a passive person.  but, i thought that maybe if i fought hard enough, it'd be enough.  and that after a while it would balance out.  it didn't.

im not dumb here.  i know it wasn't a perfect deal.  but i recognize potential and know if something is good or bad.  it was good.  we're young, and are trying to figure this damn life out.  i know that in any relationship it takes a while before you find your groove with things.  but his groove went a very different direction than mine, apparently.

right now, i kind of wish that wherever he is, and whatever he is doing, that he just feels terrible.  that is evil of me, but that is raw honesty.  i want him to feel bad and to hurt like i am.  grieve at least a little over me.....actually grieve a lot.  cry even.  write a bitchin song or something.  maybe punch a wall because he is angry that he let himself hurt me......or just carry on like it was no big deal (that is my guess at his status).  just shrug it off.  no problem that he made a promise to me and broke it, that he didn't come to see me, that he barely made time for me, that he broke my fragile heart.  why did i trust you?  jerk!

weak people give up, strong people don't.  it's a choice, not a destiny.

well, on those happy notes i think i will gear up for my drive home.



blaire      

...

11:09 pm.  another long day.  it wasn't a bad day really, just long.  im tired, i better sleep well again.

i am ready to return home again. tomorrow will be good.

its weird to me that i find this blogging crap so helpful.  maybe its my way of still sharing with him, even though this isn't to/for him.  i guess im just used to sharing my day's adventures with him.  right about now we'd have been chatting about our days and sharing our stories.  one week ago from right now was the last time that we talked as boyfriend/girlfriend.  the end came fast.  it is ALL over now.  i need to just fuckin digest that shit.  but its hard, ok?

i just wonder if he is even sad.  "ARE YOU SAD?" that you will never wake up with me again?  we wont share morning coffee or a late night beer.  there won't be stargazing or camping in your yard.  there wont be any kisses on the forehead or laughs or hugs.  i bet you're sad....well, i FUCKIN hope you're sad.

you really got me good.  i had no idea.  ya jackass!

hey, maybe the 'anger' stage is setting in.  there's something to wake up for.

i think this sleeping pill is kicking in, or maybe that's the wine..either way,

goodnight world.

    

day 5: con't.

i still can't believe that it really happened.  it's really over.

day 5

9:55 am ----JUST WOKE UP!

This is going to be a good day.  I am so glad that i got some damn sleep.  finally.  my body is grateful, and my mind is rested.

break-ups are a very strange thing.  It sure keeps my day interesting.  I mean now when i wake up, i think about what i can do to fight for a good day.  Im in a therapeutic/recovery mode.  I am constantly reflecting on things, and trying so hard not to think about the boy.

i still feel like a mess though.  and im cool with that for a while.  im a very honest person, and im not here to put on a show.  so, excuse me world, im going to be sad for a while.

i don't know why, but i feel like clarifying why im sad.  so many great people have comforted me through this, which i am soo thankful for.  however, sometimes their piece of encouragement includes 'don't worry, you will find the right one someday.'  I agree, I WILL.  but i am not sad because im afraid of being alone, or that i no longer have the security of being in a relationship.  I am fucking sad because the one single person that i want to be with and share my heart with, doesnt want to have it.  that hurts.  its simple, and clear to me that i must go on, but it really hurts.

to the boy:

i thought about sending you a message last night.  i just wanted to see how you're doing.  i need to stop that.  as selfish as you are being, i need to follow your lead.  I need to worry about myself, not you.  stop being in my mind, please. i really do hope you are doing ok, but your well-being is no longer my responsibility.  you cancelled that subscription.

ok kids, i have to go get this day before it gets me,

blaire

    

day 4: Con't.

11:57 pm.  This has been a long day.  I never thought i would say that a busy and exhausting day would be good for me.  Today was good for me.  I made it.  I am also really fricken tired, hah.

I am still battling my severed companionship, but I am feeling better and better the more the time passes.  I'm no idiot, I'm sure I'll have hard moments ahead, but I'll be good for now.

The sleep has to get better though.  I NEEEEEEED to sleep.  I HAVE to sleep.  I also took a sleeping pill (i rarely take medication) because I am desperate for some rest.  My body and mind and soul need to be eased for a bit.  That is my only choice.  That, or I will call in Jamie girl for a sleepover tomorrow night.

I will be back tomorrow.  This world-informing journal is surprisingly helpful to me.  I feel better after i write.

Goodnight

day 4

day 4: why am i awake right now?

I've been in and out of sleeping since 2:30 am. its now nearing 5 am.  I am so tired, i just need to sleep.  I have a very aggressive day ahead of me, and sleep would be a great thing to do right now.  'What ever' i suppose.  I am not just lying here feeling sorry for myself though; I am feeling sorry for myself AND everyone else that is broken right now.

last night was pretty good.  a great friend made me a meal, and made me eat it.  It was nice to just relax.

I still feel very lifted from my great circle of love.  Thank you everyone for the hugs, and phone calls, and messages, and everything.  thank you.

most of me really is starting to feel better.  the sleeping and eating scenario could use some improvement.  time will heal.  but i hope it wont take long, because i am one sleepy bitch.

to the boy:

I miss you.  I wish you were here comforting me and making me better.  but the reality is that you are what is making me sad, and causing the hurt.  why did you stop wanting me?  i tried so hard, and gave you so much of me.  you ate up my sunshine, and then excused me from your life.  asshole.  but i still miss you.


i guess this day is going to happen with me or without me, so i better just do it,

stay classy ya'll

blind-sided

sometimes the universe can be cruel, or maybe its just the people in it.  either way, here i am, pathetic, desperate and listening to sarah mclachlan.  WHAT THE FUCK?

I will just say it.  I am heart-broken, sad and hurting.  a few days ago i was very sure of something(rather someone) that no longer wants to call me theirs.  It came as a shock so big i fell completely apart.  It just kills me to know that people can cause me so much hurt.  It's not fair.  I am sad that he would choose to be without me.  I want to be with him, but this has been decided for me, and I must accept it.  I have no choice.  It hurts in my guts, and i can't even sleep to get away from it.

 I am left with the broken promise to 'treat me so good', and some cd's that i am keeping as a parting gift.  

So....in my deepest heart of hearts, i am crushed and bruised.  Strangely, i am also overwhelmingly spirited because of the amazing support i have in my life.  I had to make a retreat to home base yesterday, I just couldn't do it alone. I needed my family and friends.  They came to the rescue so heroically.  My papa and his shoulder were waiting for me as soon as i walked in.  My mom had all of the right things to say, and my friends made me laugh which took me to a happier place.  My heart is aching, my eyes are swollen, my body is exhausted, but my spirit will just not give up.  Thank you to my circle of love, for loving me back.  It means sooo much.  I feel like with them, i can make it through anything.  I love you all!    

To the universe, and the boy that doesn't love me back:

---this is a mistake, you are walking away from something so great.  I have SOOOOOOOO much fuckin love to give, you are foolish to deny it.  I trusted you with my heart, and you dropped it.  I hear your reasons, and I wish you the best.  I really do.

These last few days may be marked on the heartbreak calendar, but i won't let too many get away from me.  I will be ok.  I will be alright.

Sad for now, but alright.


goodnight~

Papa was a rolling stone...

Hey world.

I just re-read some older posts, interesting. I am not very consistent in posting, but oh well.

Here is life right now:

--back in mitchell, and excited for my last school year

--no job

--whooped it up in aberdeen for one last hooray summer 2011.

--miss my girls

--miss my boys

--car for sale--bleck!

--music..mmmm

--B.A.J.--mmm ;)

--i'm going to be 25 in a time that is around the corner

--i'm BROKE, hah

--my apartment is a disaster, but whatevs. I am on this good purging streak...cleanin out the 'crap'

--waiting for the postman

--a best friend is getting married soon

--no a/c

--a BOY has entered my scene. A real good boy.

--life, here I come!

--i need more coffee

--i miss steph

OOokay. So there is some rambly-ish info. I am feelin good (real good) about some things, and weird about others.

Cheers.

Currently listening to: Jefferson Airplane on vinyl

Sipping: room temperature french-pressed coffee

Ya Know what?

Love kinda fuckin' sucks!....sometimes

-I am in the process of getting over a relationship/break-up, and ya know what? I don't like it! I'm a big girl, I'll make it just fine. I'm not worried that I'll never find good love. I'm just in a chronic state of "uuuurrruuuuhhhhggg!" right now, got it?

-I put myself out there (when I wasn't even looking), and it didn't work. Big deal, Life goes on.

-This state of "repair" can't be all bad, right? I tried to drink it off, that didn't work. In fact, it just made me sadder. I am trying this "healthy and active" thing, but i usually chase that with chocolate and french fries. So far everything seems to be really great.

-However, my support circle has been great. I have plenty of great souls to vent to and cry to and drink with and laugh with. That helps so much.

Relationships are not all happy and fun. They require hard work, and commitment. There needs to be balance and chemistry. Intimacy and mystery. Passion and playfulness. I am no expert though.

-I guess I just ‘fell in’ and wanted it to work so badly. I’m such an ‘all-in’ kind of lover. If I’m decided that I like someone, and want to be with them, I just fall right in the deep end. My latest lover was like barely toes in the shallow end. The contrast was too big to dissolve. So we split.

It hurts. That we’ll never love again. Never engage in a long-lasting hug again. Never BE in love again.

What ever.

Cheers to moving on.

Listening to: Ray Lamontagne--God willin and the creek don't rise