6:35 a.m. i had a dream about him just before i woke up, a few minutes ago. what the hell man? if this has to be this way, then i at least want my own mind and dreams to myself. ahh, what is wrong with me?
i wish to bid farewell to the memories we made, and to the energy we generated that still lingers inside my existence. i most certainly bid riddance to the desperate hope that this will somehow turn around someday. you are never going to get better and come back, are you? well, i do honestly hope that you at least get better. and i hope i fucking do too. soon, please!
i feel like this is haunting me a little, or a lot. thoughts, memories and apparently dreams of you are in this constant cycle. please stop. the truth is that i do still love you. even after witnessing your 'unraveled' self, and hearing you say that you don't want me or love me. i still fucking love you man. it grosses me out actually, hearing myself admit it. seeing it written. but i dont know what to do with my love.
if you needed 'freedom,' then so do i. i really do, now. im SICK of giving you my thoughts and allowing you a place in my dreams, and crying my damn tears over you. GET AWAY, GET OUT, LEAVE ME ALONE. you have no welcome anymore. you keep hurting me, but i suppose it's because i keep letting you and i don't know how to discontinue this. blah. barf. i don't know.
recovery. restoration. healing. those all sound good.
i need coffee.
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