add this to the soundtrack

"Don't Let Me Down"

Don't let me down, don't let me down
Don't let me down, don't let me down

Nobody ever loved me like she does
Oh, she does, yeah, she does
And if somebody loved me like she do me
Oh, she do me, yes, she does

Don't let me down, don't let me down
Don't let me down, don't let me down

I'm in love for the first time
Don't you know it's gonna last
It's a love that lasts forever
It's a love that had no past (Seeking past)

Don't let me down, don't let me down
Don't let me down, don't let me down

And from the first time that she really done me
Oh, she done me, she done me good
I guess nobody ever really done me
Oh, she done me, she done me good

Don't let me down, hey don't let me down
Heeeee, don't let me down

Don't let me down
Don't let me down, don't let me let down
Can you dig it? Don't let me down

---The Beatles

memoir-y lane

1:02am.  shit, been a while.  So i just read through some old posts.  i started from the most recent and read backwards into time.  I almost don't even know what to say.  It was actually quite hard to read.  and I had to skim through some of it.  Its good to glance back at things, but maybe not with a magnifying glass.

I will say tho, for a bit i tried to just read it like it was the journal of a young lady that wasn't neccessarily me(that made it easier to read w/o choking up).  In that case, id say that is a very brave girl for being soooo disgustingly raw and honest.  If i were an objective, unrelated person to her, id say: "keep writing.  forever, through it all."

I wont get all mushy here.  Just think its a good time to capture a little update.  I am pleased and proud to announce that life above the dark underground is a place i like to be, and which i am.  Hard to think about the depths emotionally that i've pitted.  And honestly not even that long ago(but it feels like lightyears)  some people say "its the shit you go through that makes you stronger."  Sort of.  My version is kinda like: "Its how you CHOOSE to handle the shit you go through that makes you stronger."  But, each day is an opportunity to learn.  I have a LOT to learn.  i hope i never stop.  ever.

I havent had a sadness spell in a long time.  However a lingering 'symptom' from the gray past is trouble sleeping.  I feel like i have permanent bags under my eyes.  but i just try and rock it, because its honest and how do you even cover that shit up anyway?  I dont have the worst sleeping status in the world, but it could definitely be better.  I don't stay up because im sad, i just have trouble sleeping, on a regular basis.  I try not to let it frustrate me, because who wants to start a day grumpy?  Sometimes thats not so easy.  I usually just try to embrace some quiet time and keep calm and meditate on good things.

Happiness and good days are a choice.  I mean you can totally buy a lottery ticket everyday and not choose and just wait and see what the day/world brings ya, but in that case id be a chronically unpleasant person.  So, instead, i try and grab the good things that are available to me and also (very important part here) I try hard to put goodness out there.  not even just so that more of it comes back directly to me....but because i feel its the right thing to do.  disclaimer, i am human.  i fail at this.  I have shitty days.  i have moments i like to call "soul-crushers."  I say (outloud usually), "fuck you stupid moment!"  I then probably participate in some form of an indulgent vice and move on.

Its age-old proverb to count your blessings.  thats some sound-ass advice.  I have sooo many blessings.  My beautiful loves.  You know who you are.  I am one of the luckiest ladies in the world to have such warm people whom shower me with friendship and love and laughter.  also, i am addicted to my mommy.  I lucked out, to put it mildly.

I recently tried to make a go at a relationship.  The usual bandits of poor timing/circumstances always burglar their way in.  i guess.  or maybe that is an excuse i tell myself so i don't feel rejected and gross.  eitherway, cheers.  part of maturity is focusing on how you can improve the way you handle situations.  another part is giving less fucks.  balance is key.  I am trying to be mature here.  Just admit that if its not a good fit, then gracefully agree, and float on man.  send people on their way with more sunshine than they had when they met me.  as long as they dont just use it up and leave me stranded.  Another part of figuring my shit out is learning how to restrict access to my sunshine a little.  not an easy move for this kid.  i mean god gave me the biggest face in the world, so i like to smile with it.  but, i can smile from behind a little safety fence.  sometimes people need to earn the access code.  cant just give it all away for free.

ok, im just rambling now.  pretty pooped from a long ass day.  gonna try and get some shut-eye.  yes, im 84, haha.

gooodnight peeps and homies.  sweet dreams & sun beams!

B        

You guess

Intoxicated or not intoxicated?  Stepped into a porta-potty at 2:16 am. Resliant to do so. I said: "this actually looks pretty clean!"  You decide. I say intoxicated.  You be the judge

lyrics

10:43pm.  I am creating a playlist for a very close friend's wedding, so i am forcing myself to listen to songs that actually celebrate love. haha, im a sap so it's not so bad!

Came across some lyrics that I connected with.  thought i would share.  enjoy.  or not, i don't really care i suppose.  but thanks for reading anyway!

'sleeping to dream'-Jason Mraz

And I
I'm dreaming of sleeping next to you and feeling like a lost little boy in a brand new town
I'm counting my sheep and each one that passes is another dream to ashes
And they all fall down.

And I lay me down tonight
I close my eyes
What a beautiful sight

[Chorus:]
Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so damn tired
Of having to live without you
But I don't mind
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired

I found myself in the riches
Your eyes, your lips, your hair well you were everywhere out there
But I woke up in the ditches, I hit the light and I thought you might be here
But you were nowhere (you were nowhere)
Well You were nowhere

And as I lay me back to sleep
Lord I pray that I can keep

[Repeat Chorus]

It's just a little a lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night
Oh just a lullabye to keep from crying myself to sleep
Oh just a, just oh, just a little lullabye,

Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
And I'm so tired

[Repeat Chorus]

Well I'm so, I'm tired
I'm falling, I'm so tired, I'm so tired

gotta dream--this is gonna be gushy(ewe?)

12:38am.  I want to take someone's breath away.  Someday, I want someone to encounter me, and lose breath in thought that they must know me.  Because simply, i am stunning.  I want someone to be so captivated by my glow; that they stop what they are doing and dream for a moment.  I want someone to desire to get to know me.  Desire for the chance to get to know me.

Do i deserve such things?  If these are real things, am i worthy?  My mom says so.  Bitch better be right.

I lose too damn much time thinking about dark and miserable things.  For right now I am going to think about something happy.  Are my desires practical/will they happen?  Who knows.  I am least willing to bet.

I want a soul mate.  Like, really.  Some people are after a husband, a partner, a co-pilot, a partner-in-chrime, an intimate lover, a provider, an admirer, a friend.  I am after a soul mate.  I want my 'inner-being' to be in harmony with someone else' 'inner-being.'

Soul Mate: a person ideally suited to another.  Ideally!  That means not moderately suited, like 'yeah, i guess that will do' but IDEALLY suited.  An ideal match.

Humans are an interesting species.  Don't you think that if we really are meant to be 'life-mates' that it would be easier?  Or maybe we make poor partner decisions.  And, it doesn't get easier after the better person; but you desire to survive so much more? Why the shallow survival rate?  Maybe its only the beings that are truly open to loves vast pockets of life medicine, that actually survive?  maybe.  

I don't have a 'list.'  Like, numbered one through ten with qualities and non-negotiable items spelled out frankly.  I mean i have thought about the kind of person id like to be with.  preferably the kind of person that is amazing versus not-amazing.  But not an actual list.  Maybe ill try.

"In a partner/soulmate I'd like someone who:"

-Is curious
-Is funny
-Is capable
-believes in them-self
-gives a damn
-questions EVERYTHING, well maybe not everything
-wants to spend time with me.  doing whatever.  because the idea is spending time with me
-has dreams
-knows how to play and have fun
-wants to have fun
-cares about the legacy he is leaving behind, and also about the future too
-is actually interesting
-can appreciate a good fucking meal
-can look past the fact that im probably nuts, haha
-has flaws, and knows them, but still wears his best smile
-can teach me things.  a lot of things
-believes they deserve someone great.  really great.
-isnt afraid of a good fucking time
-can stand up to me
-thinks im funny
-will appreciate my quarks



ok folks,  this is just too gushy now.  stepping outside and then going to bed.

cheers, to finding true love.

now puke.

ya know what? fuck.

11:28 pm.  I really don't even know where to start (probably with a doobie).  why do i feel like a mess right now?  not sure.  why does the world suck?  also not sure.

I think i just get worn out from this fucking gross world, that i forget to protect myself from it.  My guard is weakened and i let really stupid shit bother me.  which then, catapults this horseshit called depression.  its a disease that i don't recommend to anyone.  take my word, please.

when did i become so cynical?  probably around the time that i realized life is full of disappointment.  see what i did there?  the real champions are people who are good at dealing with disappointment, maybe.  i dont know. If i knew the recipe for not sucking at life, i wouldn't be crying in my bed at 11:30 on a sunday night.

unfortunately, when the disease comes back, its abrupt.  and suffocating.  it is physically hard to breath sometimes, because im so overwhelmed with sadness.  fuck you darkness.

dont get me wrong (or at least not all-of-the-way wrong), i have a lot of things in my life to reflect positively about.  I really do spend a lot of my time thinking about those things.  it kind of keeps me alive.  i have many great and wonderful people and memories and dreams to fill up my time.  but somehow this yucky shit creeps in every once-in-awhile.  i need to get better at fighting it.  it probably wouldnt hurt to get better at making smarter decisions.  haha (that does merit a laugh).

lets talk about relationships for a second.  what the fuck?  right?  im completely aware that i have made some poor decisions regarding the character of some of my partners, perhaps.  but, ya know what?  im really sick of people not treating me the way i deserve to be treated.  or maybe the world just thinks a lot less of me than i do of myself in which case im totally fucked.  at this point, im going with the prior. i am choosing to believe that i am worth the stars and moon.  hopefully i never stop believing that.  if some sorry suckers can't handle that, then scram.  because i was made to love.  the biggest and truest kind.  its the only destiny driven feature i believe about myself.  that i was made to love.  some people maybe cant handle that.  i don't know.  all i know, is that its become very hard for me to face any sort of feelings, because according to history, my heart will be the casualty.  i really dont think i can take much more.  it really wears a girl out, ya know?

how did i get here?  how did i become this person that is so flimsy?  i used to be so much stronger than i feel anymore.  

uhg.  another fucking episode of 'why am i crying?'  i need a remote so i can turn the channel, this one sucks, haha.

ok.  ive had enough of this for today.  i think im going to go and try to barf up some of my self-loathing and then try and sleep.  im so tired.  all i want to do is sleep.  that's a simple and basic request.  yet, i can't.  sometimes it feels like torture (probably because it is).

goodnight

so they say its a new year

1:17am.  I had a date tonight.  it was with myself. pretty good date.

so, I have been thinking a lot lately about making things better.  Just actually doing the things that I want to.

 I have been on a self-charging kick recently.  Like, i don't have to just make it sound good to myself to do things alone, I actually desire to.  In an honest breath, I would like companionship, but also in an honest breath, I don't need it.  I am not here to sit and wait around for something to come along.  I'm going to (try!) enjoy this damn life, whether people join me or not.  I want to remain welcoming and friendly, but i can't wait for people to buy tickets for my dreams...after all, they are my dreams.

Im saying this in an earnest manor.  not the...'i need to say this to myself so i don't feel alone and loser-ish, make myself feel better' kind.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.  

ok.  i need to take myself out on more dates.  i think im a good time.  and shit, ill still prob get to 2nd base.  tmi?  haha.

a new year, eh?  yep.  well, a resolution by vague description, is a declaration to do or not do something.  also, in the verb fashion, a resolution would be the solution to something problematic.  What are my resolutions?:

-i think im going to stop apologizing for things that i am not actually sorry about, sorry.
-I am going to work harder at my friendships, and other peoples happiness (as well as my own).
-I would like to devour the art of meditation, i could probably start by....starting
-I think im going to take a real break from unnecessary lovers....hopefully i don't dry up and die.
-I want to indulge in the little moments that really are great.  For ex: catching snow flakes on my -tongue!, cloud watching, star gazing, fresh air, truly great music...
-I want to embrace a healthier self.  emotionally, physically, spiritually.
-I'd like to laugh, at least 100 laughs in each day.
-I want humility to help me admit when im wrong....which is more often than id like to admit....
-I WILL get better at loving me again.
-I want to positively envelop solitude in the moments that I can.
-oh yeah, i should get a grown-up fucking job.  eh....we'll see hah.

ok kids, Cheers to another year.  Let's grow together, hopefully laughing A LOT along the way.

I bid my love to those whom call me theirs.  thank you all, for helping me figure this life shit out.  I hope you know you are appreciated.

Love,
B  

  

...love letter to myself

2:12 a.m.  this song struck at an old wound.  but sometimes youve just gotta deal with shit.  by yourself, in the dark, in your room, in the middle of the night.  i still have shit.  lots of it.  But this song was inspiring.  like a romantic anthem i can sing to my future self.  I think if there is ever a chance of being able to handle myself loving another 'one' again,  I first need to fall back in love with myself.

its like, can i just throw a fucking wrench in the gears that are dulling my soul?  just give the devil the bird, and go on with my hippy-go-happy life.

When i listen to this song, here is the video in my mind:

Me (current):  sad and broken walking through a statue park.  Desperately trying to find myself, and trying not to drown.  Seeing a light glowing.  The light is coming from either my reflection, or from my future self.  its a future me, Presented in full love and full light.  Its refreshing to know it can be that way again.  This song is like a plea and promise that I wont let that future me down.  I have to make it to the light again.  I can't let the light down.  I have to try with every breath and every tear,  to keep my promise.

I won't let you down
no, i won't let you down  

a love letter...

2:04 a.m. Lyrics:---"I Wont Let You Down," Alex Clare....album title: 'the lateness of the hour'

Just another grey autumn day
You're the sunshine trying to break through
No I never imagined that my path would lead to you
A look in your eyes as they met mine
Seem to say we're the same
In so many ways
Though we're worlds apart
I will promise you

I won't let you down
No I won't let you down

There are so many reasons to keep us apart
But it won't stop me losing
My mind or my heart
What would I give
To touch your hand
Oh just feel your skin
I'd breathe you in
Could this ever be
You'll be next to me

No I won't let you down
No I won't let you down

I know myself so well
But I've never been here before
You're just out of my reach
But I will be here
Of that you can be sure
Can be sure

It's another grey autumn day
You're the sunshine trying to break through
I can only imagine that I'm walking with you
I realise if you were mine
We may fall apart
Oh you'd have my heart
There's too many things between you and me

No I won't let you down
No I won't let you down
No I won't I won't let you down
No I won't let you down
No I won't I won't let you down
No I won't I won't let you down
No I won't I won't let you down
No I won't let you down

sometimes it comes back

2:09 a.m.  actually woke from sleeping and cried.  hmmm.  this heart of mine.  i wonder what is going on in there....or maybe i don't, because the truth could be more awful than the mystery.

i am haunted by sadness.

so a while ago, in my lowest of lows, a darkness unwelcomely crashed my normal happy self.  this darkness shit is some scary stuff.  Im laying here wondering what is wrong with me.  why do i keep thinking all of this bad stuff?

darkness, you are a sneaky bastard, and i hate you.  its like sitting around waiting for me to feel weak about myself, and then STRIKE, there goes the sadness bomb.  I don't know exactly when i stopped loving myself,  but i think it happened.  I sure wish i could figure out how i became this lonely mess of a self-hating human. I can tell you now, this is a slippery slope to climb, and its suffocating.

physically, its hard to breath sometimes because i am so sad.  and then i feel pathetic for being so sad.  so goes the cycle.

for the most part i thought i was doing much better.  but this shit has been creeping up on me lately, and i wonder if any of the emotional progress was fictional or actual.  Its just really hard.  ok?  Its hard for me to be honest with myself too.  because if i admit this to myself, then it is in fact a real problem.  And at this point, i don't know how to fight this problem.  It just keeps striking, and i feel defenseless.  my usual weaponry seems ineffective.  I guess the biggest thing that helps is thinking about all of the people that i know that love me, even if i can't really love myself right now.  this stuff is just so heavy, and its the darkest road ive ever been down before.  im not sure what to do exactly.

what is going to happen if it keeps getting harder to breath?  I just really need a rainbow right now.  i need to find a way to get out of this desolate shit-hole of a 'place.'  I don't like it here.

God, please help me.  my heart is weeping for help.  i cant do this alone.  just take my hand and lead me please, because this darkness is so consuming.  i dont know what i need to do to make things right between us, but please don't leave me here.  i cant do it alone. right now is a scary place.  hopefully tomorrow is better.  i need an angel i think.  to hold my hand.  for every moment, of every day.  forever.  so this darkness will back down.  please send an angel, i don't want to be alone anymore.

darkness, i fucking hate you.  quit swallowing me alive.  just go away, you are not welcome in my life, in my heart, or in my body.  i will overcome you.  i have no choice.