4:25 pm. more lyrics yet...
Well you're gone, you're gone away
I'll never see the light, see the light of day
Well you're gone, you're gone for good
I'll never treat you right, treat you like I should
You know you left me empty-handed
You know you left me feeling stranded
You know I hurt so bad inside
You know it's eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
Yesterday and the day before
You came knocking, knocking at my door
Now those good old days are gone
And I just got to carry, got to carry on (yeah)
You know you left me empty-handed
You know you left me feeling stranded
You know I hurt so bad inside
You know it's eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
Eating me alive
---"stranded" - Slackstring
Thursday, December 15, 2011
day 12
3:31 pm. some more lyrics...
Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never do you no harm
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I beg you
Don't ever leave me alone
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly fell down and died
Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly fell down and died
Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never let you down
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never do you no harm
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I beg you
Don't ever leave me alone
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly fell down and died
Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly fell down and died
Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never let you down
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
-----i think the beatles have a song for every occasion. right now for my longing heart.
--"oh darling" - the beatles
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
day 11
10:22 pm. ive been thinking.
it is my heart, and my love. and i can give it to whom i feel is worthy, and under whatever circumstances im agreeable with. i want to give him my love. i want to be his friend. i want to fight for him. i havn't talked to him, and it's killing me. at this point, im not asking for love back. its enough for me to give it. my heart is crying because i love him, and i want him to know. there is no calendar or stopwatch attached to my heart. if i love you, then i love you. simple. it doesn't take a certain amount of time for me. it just happens. and i love him, and i can't stop it.
im certain i sound crazy to the world. that is perfectly ok with me, because im pretty sure i operate different than the world anyway. and also i don't give a shit.
if he doesn't want my love; really, fully and truly, then i will walk away. that is my declaration. that will be my mark to go my own way (along with stevie nicks). my heart will have to heal, and my soul will need liberty.
but i have to try. in spite of my hurting heart, all that matters to me is for him to know that i care about him soo much. he really is worthy, and he should know it. what he does with that is up to him.
all you have to do is take it. take my love. you don't even have to talk to me, if you don't want to. but please take my love with you, wherever you go. if you want my forgiveness, ask. i am exposed and raw. but you are worth it. know that. please.
it is my heart, and my love. and i can give it to whom i feel is worthy, and under whatever circumstances im agreeable with. i want to give him my love. i want to be his friend. i want to fight for him. i havn't talked to him, and it's killing me. at this point, im not asking for love back. its enough for me to give it. my heart is crying because i love him, and i want him to know. there is no calendar or stopwatch attached to my heart. if i love you, then i love you. simple. it doesn't take a certain amount of time for me. it just happens. and i love him, and i can't stop it.
im certain i sound crazy to the world. that is perfectly ok with me, because im pretty sure i operate different than the world anyway. and also i don't give a shit.
if he doesn't want my love; really, fully and truly, then i will walk away. that is my declaration. that will be my mark to go my own way (along with stevie nicks). my heart will have to heal, and my soul will need liberty.
but i have to try. in spite of my hurting heart, all that matters to me is for him to know that i care about him soo much. he really is worthy, and he should know it. what he does with that is up to him.
all you have to do is take it. take my love. you don't even have to talk to me, if you don't want to. but please take my love with you, wherever you go. if you want my forgiveness, ask. i am exposed and raw. but you are worth it. know that. please.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
and so on...
9:59 am. i am not ready to let go. i am not ok. i wish time would stop. i want to talk to him.
he wont talk to me. i can't give up. i wont.
there has to be a way.
he wont talk to me. i can't give up. i wont.
there has to be a way.
some lyrics
I'm gonna make a chicken gumbo
Toss some sausage in the pot
I'm gonna flavor it with okra
CAYENNE pepper to make it hot
You know life is what we make of it
So beautiful or so what
I'm gonna tell my kids a bedtime story
A play without a plot
Will it have a happy ending?
Maybe yeah, Maybe not
I tell them life is what you make of it
So beautiful or so what
So beautiful, so beautiful
So what
I'm just a raindrop in a bucket
A coin DROPPED in a slot
I am an empty house on Weed Street
Across the road from a vacant lot
You know life is what you make of it
So beautiful or so what
Aint it strange the way we're ignorant
How we seek out bad advice
How we jigger it and figure it
Mistaking value for the price
And play a game with time and Love
Like a pair of rolling dice
So beautiful, so beautiful
So what
Four men on the balcony
Overlooking the parking lot
Pointing at a figure in the distance
Dr. King has just been shot
And the sirens long melody
Singing savior pass me not
Aint it strange the way we're ignorant
How we seek out bad advice
How we jigger it and figure it
Mistaking value for the price
And play a game with time and love
Like a pair of rolling dice
So beautiful, so beautiful
So what
---Paul Simon
Toss some sausage in the pot
I'm gonna flavor it with okra
CAYENNE pepper to make it hot
You know life is what we make of it
So beautiful or so what
I'm gonna tell my kids a bedtime story
A play without a plot
Will it have a happy ending?
Maybe yeah, Maybe not
I tell them life is what you make of it
So beautiful or so what
So beautiful, so beautiful
So what
I'm just a raindrop in a bucket
A coin DROPPED in a slot
I am an empty house on Weed Street
Across the road from a vacant lot
You know life is what you make of it
So beautiful or so what
Aint it strange the way we're ignorant
How we seek out bad advice
How we jigger it and figure it
Mistaking value for the price
And play a game with time and Love
Like a pair of rolling dice
So beautiful, so beautiful
So what
Four men on the balcony
Overlooking the parking lot
Pointing at a figure in the distance
Dr. King has just been shot
And the sirens long melody
Singing savior pass me not
Aint it strange the way we're ignorant
How we seek out bad advice
How we jigger it and figure it
Mistaking value for the price
And play a game with time and love
Like a pair of rolling dice
So beautiful, so beautiful
So what
---Paul Simon
Sunday, December 11, 2011
day 8
10:36am.
this is desperate. but this is what i want.
please come rescue me from this. put your arms around me and say that we can figure this out. my aching heart is swelled with tear-covered hope that you would reconsider. let me back in, and let me love you. PLEASE.
this is desperate. but this is what i want.
please come rescue me from this. put your arms around me and say that we can figure this out. my aching heart is swelled with tear-covered hope that you would reconsider. let me back in, and let me love you. PLEASE.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
day 7
10:13 am. last night. it was fun at the beginning. but it ended bad. i revisited square one, and the pain came back.
since i can't really sleep, i figured i'd give booze a shot to help remedy this shit and to just fucking get away from myself for a bit. backfire! that was a bad idea. i cut myself off after a handful of beers, but that was plenty. i want my best friend here soo bad. she would know exactly what to do. no one else does. i need her, bad.
i feel really pathetic. like i should just be able to move on and get over it, and stop feeling sorry for myself. you know its bad when your own pity is annoying you.
this is messy, and i guess its just going to be for a while.
on my way home yesterday, i was thinking(which is ALL i can do lately) about the boy. i feel like maybe there is more to the story. maybe he is fighting something bigger than himself. maybe there are more reasons. if he is up against dark shit, why didn't he let me help? i would have. i can't make someone happy, but i would've been there to help him find his own happiness. why won't you let me be with you?
if he is hurting from bigger things, then maybe i shouldn't give up. maybe he needs me to keep fighting. then i remember how bad im hurting, and it's because of him. so maybe he needs to be all alone. that's what he set up for himself, so it must be what he wants.
i don't fight alone. and im not ashamed to admit that i need the help of my circle to win my battles.
when will i wake up and this will all be better? im not trying to sound dramatic, but i know that eventually ill just stop caring, and move on. HURRY UP!
im hoping that today can maybe go better. im sick of myself. of my own tears. of being pathetic and desperate.
yep, cheers to fucking heart ache.
since i can't really sleep, i figured i'd give booze a shot to help remedy this shit and to just fucking get away from myself for a bit. backfire! that was a bad idea. i cut myself off after a handful of beers, but that was plenty. i want my best friend here soo bad. she would know exactly what to do. no one else does. i need her, bad.
i feel really pathetic. like i should just be able to move on and get over it, and stop feeling sorry for myself. you know its bad when your own pity is annoying you.
this is messy, and i guess its just going to be for a while.
on my way home yesterday, i was thinking(which is ALL i can do lately) about the boy. i feel like maybe there is more to the story. maybe he is fighting something bigger than himself. maybe there are more reasons. if he is up against dark shit, why didn't he let me help? i would have. i can't make someone happy, but i would've been there to help him find his own happiness. why won't you let me be with you?
if he is hurting from bigger things, then maybe i shouldn't give up. maybe he needs me to keep fighting. then i remember how bad im hurting, and it's because of him. so maybe he needs to be all alone. that's what he set up for himself, so it must be what he wants.
i don't fight alone. and im not ashamed to admit that i need the help of my circle to win my battles.
when will i wake up and this will all be better? im not trying to sound dramatic, but i know that eventually ill just stop caring, and move on. HURRY UP!
im hoping that today can maybe go better. im sick of myself. of my own tears. of being pathetic and desperate.
yep, cheers to fucking heart ache.
Friday, December 9, 2011
day 6:
11:19 am. today is a step-backwards. i feel 'icky' again. just a little disgusted about the whole thing. no appetite, not enough rest. uhhhg.
i bet he hasn't even thought at all about how hard i tried to keep our relationship lifted. i haven't unpacked my fricken toothbrush since august. i have been willing to travel and work hard for this, because I AM A FIGHTER. he is not.
my mom was consoling me and telling me nice things, and she said that maybe he would change his mind, and come back. i said, mom, no! he won't because he isn't a fighter. i guess i can't be tied to a passive person. but, i thought that maybe if i fought hard enough, it'd be enough. and that after a while it would balance out. it didn't.
im not dumb here. i know it wasn't a perfect deal. but i recognize potential and know if something is good or bad. it was good. we're young, and are trying to figure this damn life out. i know that in any relationship it takes a while before you find your groove with things. but his groove went a very different direction than mine, apparently.
right now, i kind of wish that wherever he is, and whatever he is doing, that he just feels terrible. that is evil of me, but that is raw honesty. i want him to feel bad and to hurt like i am. grieve at least a little over me.....actually grieve a lot. cry even. write a bitchin song or something. maybe punch a wall because he is angry that he let himself hurt me......or just carry on like it was no big deal (that is my guess at his status). just shrug it off. no problem that he made a promise to me and broke it, that he didn't come to see me, that he barely made time for me, that he broke my fragile heart. why did i trust you? jerk!
weak people give up, strong people don't. it's a choice, not a destiny.
well, on those happy notes i think i will gear up for my drive home.
blaire
i bet he hasn't even thought at all about how hard i tried to keep our relationship lifted. i haven't unpacked my fricken toothbrush since august. i have been willing to travel and work hard for this, because I AM A FIGHTER. he is not.
my mom was consoling me and telling me nice things, and she said that maybe he would change his mind, and come back. i said, mom, no! he won't because he isn't a fighter. i guess i can't be tied to a passive person. but, i thought that maybe if i fought hard enough, it'd be enough. and that after a while it would balance out. it didn't.
im not dumb here. i know it wasn't a perfect deal. but i recognize potential and know if something is good or bad. it was good. we're young, and are trying to figure this damn life out. i know that in any relationship it takes a while before you find your groove with things. but his groove went a very different direction than mine, apparently.
right now, i kind of wish that wherever he is, and whatever he is doing, that he just feels terrible. that is evil of me, but that is raw honesty. i want him to feel bad and to hurt like i am. grieve at least a little over me.....actually grieve a lot. cry even. write a bitchin song or something. maybe punch a wall because he is angry that he let himself hurt me......or just carry on like it was no big deal (that is my guess at his status). just shrug it off. no problem that he made a promise to me and broke it, that he didn't come to see me, that he barely made time for me, that he broke my fragile heart. why did i trust you? jerk!
weak people give up, strong people don't. it's a choice, not a destiny.
well, on those happy notes i think i will gear up for my drive home.
blaire
Thursday, December 8, 2011
...
11:09 pm. another long day. it wasn't a bad day really, just long. im tired, i better sleep well again.
i am ready to return home again. tomorrow will be good.
its weird to me that i find this blogging crap so helpful. maybe its my way of still sharing with him, even though this isn't to/for him. i guess im just used to sharing my day's adventures with him. right about now we'd have been chatting about our days and sharing our stories. one week ago from right now was the last time that we talked as boyfriend/girlfriend. the end came fast. it is ALL over now. i need to just fuckin digest that shit. but its hard, ok?
i just wonder if he is even sad. "ARE YOU SAD?" that you will never wake up with me again? we wont share morning coffee or a late night beer. there won't be stargazing or camping in your yard. there wont be any kisses on the forehead or laughs or hugs. i bet you're sad....well, i FUCKIN hope you're sad.
you really got me good. i had no idea. ya jackass!
hey, maybe the 'anger' stage is setting in. there's something to wake up for.
i think this sleeping pill is kicking in, or maybe that's the wine..either way,
goodnight world.
i am ready to return home again. tomorrow will be good.
its weird to me that i find this blogging crap so helpful. maybe its my way of still sharing with him, even though this isn't to/for him. i guess im just used to sharing my day's adventures with him. right about now we'd have been chatting about our days and sharing our stories. one week ago from right now was the last time that we talked as boyfriend/girlfriend. the end came fast. it is ALL over now. i need to just fuckin digest that shit. but its hard, ok?
i just wonder if he is even sad. "ARE YOU SAD?" that you will never wake up with me again? we wont share morning coffee or a late night beer. there won't be stargazing or camping in your yard. there wont be any kisses on the forehead or laughs or hugs. i bet you're sad....well, i FUCKIN hope you're sad.
you really got me good. i had no idea. ya jackass!
hey, maybe the 'anger' stage is setting in. there's something to wake up for.
i think this sleeping pill is kicking in, or maybe that's the wine..either way,
goodnight world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)